Healthy Ways to Express Anger in a Relationship
29.10.2020
In every family, in any relationship, the question always arises: “How to express anger so as not to hurt each other? What is the right way to express anger so as not to violate the personal boundaries of a loved one?”
How a man and a woman express their anger determines the outcome and duration of their relationships. After all, when we are angry, this negative energy is directed towards the partner and, as a result, it destroys the relationship. Even if you meet single women online, anger can build a chasm between you. Of course, this will not lead to anything good. So, how to deal with anger in a relationship?
Why does anger hurt relationships?
Healthy anger vs unhealthy anger – what’s the difference? Anger is a negative feeling and emotion that poisons our lives. It is very difficult to control yourself at times, which leads to terrible consequences. As a rule, it appears as a result of being depressed, and, in some cases, it is employed to manipulate the situation. People are often angry and annoyed. And this is a completely normal state if it is under our control. But in most cases, it is a loss of control over emotions. Anger is often accompanied by screams, insults, and bickering in a relationship. It leads to conflict situations. It gives a person a false sense of empowerment that is difficult to control.
Anger in relationships is often devastating. And angry outbursts and tantrums associated with throwing or breaking objects, shouting and insulting, can cause serious damage to relationships. If we want to explain something important to the partner, we often do it wrong, expressing our anger first. The partner tries to end the conversation, interrupt an aggressive significant other, and get away from this situation as soon as possible, and rather not return to it again. Relationships in which rage and anger are present are not healthy. They are hopeless. The relationship should be dominated by feelings of love and respect, not anger and rage. People in love have to calmly express their emotions and not be afraid of their partners. You need to learn how to manage your negative emotions if you want to develop a healthy relationship.
Signs of destructive anger
We all sometimes feel anger in relationships. Whatever the reason for the anger, both should deal with it. Several types of anger can be distinguished according to their main functions:
1. Anger as a cry for an unmet need
Such anger usually arises when a person’s important need has not been met. It is often about the desire to be close, to be heard, to receive attention or support. If this doesn’t happen, anger arises. But behind it, you can always see loneliness, pain, despair, and vulnerability. That is why, if you allow your partner to express anger, tears will follow the outburst of anger. In fact, by screaming and cursing, the partner is sending distress signals.
2. Anger as a way to exalt yourself
Such people seem arrogant. Sometimes their behavior can be offensive. Such a style may not be visible at the first stages of dating, and especially intensify at the moment of rapprochement when you become dependent on this relationship. People can deliberately provoke and distantly observe your reaction. Next to them, you feel aggression directed at you in order to humiliate, intimidate, and hurt. In a milder form, it is sarcasm, disregard. It seems that the person didn’t say anything bad, but you feel depressed and empty inside.
3. Anger as a way to distance
The function of this anger is to push others away for own safety and to distance from emotions. The wall of anger allows people not to feel pain. Being with such a person is perceived as dangerous. Angry people don’t believe that they can be heard, understood, their emotions seem too complicated. Therefore, they will try to keep a distance and push people away by all means.
4. Anger as resistance to rules
People get angry if obligations that require systematic and sometimes boring work are imposed on them. They often ignore their partners and this later serves as a reason for a quarrel. The main function of this anger is to push away the one who “forces” to make efforts, to do uninteresting and boring things. Such people are impatient, quickly give up, get distracted, and lose focus on the task. They look like impulsive undisciplined children.
5. Anger as a way to identify what’s wrong and solve the problem
This is the most constructive way to express anger. Anger always signals the dissatisfaction of some need and is an attempt to achieve what you want: recognition, attention, or protection. These methods are either ineffective due to excessive emotional reaction, or, ultimately, lead to loss of relationships or conflicts. In this case, anger is expressed not by shouting or insults but by firmness in voice, confident gait, and clarity in words.
Healthy ways to express anger in relationships
Relationships are impossible without ups and downs, but anger always makes the situation worse. It may turn out that you notice only the negative sides of your partners, willingly attribute guilt or condemnation to them. This behavior is very harmful to the relationship, so it’s best to deal with the problem as soon as possible. Here we have healthy ways to express anger:
1. Accept your anger
Well, how to express anger appropriately? Many people find it difficult to admit to themselves that they are angry. From childhood, we are taught to be kind, polite, and tactful, and to hide all socially unacceptable emotions. Therefore, we may not even be aware of the true nature of our feelings. Accept your anger and then you will have a chance to cope with it. Honestly admit to yourself that this emotion is not alien to you, and allow yourself to experience it.
2. Count to ten
Any stress includes one of two instincts in a person: to attack or run away. That is why many people, in the case of conflict and the heat of emotions, either start shouting at their loved one or loudly slam the doors and ask to leave them alone. But none of these options is a solution to the problem. So, when you feel anger in a relationship, exhale and count to ten, and only then decide how to behave, before you do anything fatal.
3. Add activity to your life
If anger is your frequent companion, you may be lacking in physical activity. Elevated levels of adrenaline in the blood can trigger strong emotional reactions. It is successfully neutralized by active muscular work. There is nothing better either for physical health or psychological than exercises. It trains endurance, self-control, and willpower.
4. Express your feelings politely
Why are you yelling at your loved ones? Most likely, you think that screaming will make them listen to your opinion, but, in the end, their reaction is the opposite of what you expect. Therefore, instead of shouting, it is better to try to seek compromise solutions that suit both of you. Politeness is the key to ending a scandal as quickly as possible. Try to politely explain your point of view or feelings to your partner. It’s also worth choosing the right time to say what you want. You should always make sure that your partner is in a good mood and ready to understand what you want to say to them.
5. Ignore what makes you angry
There will always be things that are annoying, but that doesn’t mean you have to react to these tricks. Tamed anger is the ability to control yourself. The sooner you learn to do this, the easier it will become for you to live. Think about how important what you dislike really is. Surely, this is not such a serious reason to react painfully. Ignore the things that used to drive you crazy. Pay attention to the things that you like and feel positive about.
6. Avoid confrontation
Many people think that openly showing their dissatisfaction is the best way to solve problems. But it is not so. This will only make the situation worse. If you are angry with your woman, just leave the room/house for a while. Avoid getting into an argument when you are angry. At such moments, your brain turns off, you don’t think about the consequences and about emotions, you can say a lot of unnecessary things, and you will later regret it.
7. Hit the pillow
Can’t believe your loved one lied to you? Feel like you could crush everything right now? You are very brave but consider the consequences. These feelings are best to take out on the pillow instead of your partner. This way, you won’t break your arm, your nose, and possibly your relationship! You can also try ripping old papers, it works amazingly. This is how to express anger in a healthy way.
8. Don’t blame anyone
We often blame each other precisely in fits of uncontrollable anger. This is the most common obstacle to finding mutually acceptable solutions. Instead of shifting the blame onto your partner’s shoulders, simply say that you have been harmed by their particular behavior. Express your anger respectfully and politely.
Tips to control your feelings and save relationships
Emotional control is the ability to manage your emotional outbursts, restrain them if necessary, control yourself in any life situations. Admit the problem. It’s not easy to accept the thought that something goes wrong. Many couples disagree due to their unwillingness to do something to save relationships. They accuse, reproach, and insult each other. It is important to understand: any difficult situation is a stage in the development of a relationship that must be overcome together.
The main goal is to save your relationship. It is much easier to leave at a difficult moment. Maintaining the relationship should be the main goal and priority. Yes, it will take a lot of effort and time.
So, what does a healthy expression of anger look like? First of all, you should talk to your partner. Two-thirds of breakups could have been avoided if people talked to each other, were not afraid to discuss problems, express feelings and emotions. There is an interesting way to help you get out of a difficult situation. It is recommended to practice it daily. Partners say whatever they want to each other within 1 minute. You can talk about the past day, feelings, etc. The other person should listen carefully, not ask questions, not interrupt. The task is given exactly 20 minutes. Within a few weeks, you will be able to feel how much your relationship has improved. So, look for appropriate ways to express anger.
Summing up, we would like to note that everyone has to learn to control their emotions, especially anger. Remember that anger, no matter how it is expressed, physical or verbal, can never be an excuse for misbehaving towards others. Always remember that by harming others, you harm, first of all, yourself. So, you always should use only positive ways to express anger if you want your relationship to be healthy and happy.
