How Do Abandonment Issues Affect Relationships?

10.02.2020

Childhood traumas haunt us throughout our lives, regardless of how much you think of them. While you might have suffered from, let's say, parents' negligence in your childhood, you are sure that you can forget about it when you are an adult. And everything will be fine when you start your online dating experience, but when you are in the offline relationship, you will find the answer to the question, "What is abandonment issues in adults?"

Everything seems to go fine, but suddenly you start acting passive-aggressive towards your partner. You get anxiety attacks, and you constantly fear that your partner may abandon you? Well, most likely, you are experiencing abandonment issues in a relationship. And what are those abandonment issues? How to define and how to deal with them? Well, continue reading to find out.

Abandonment Issues: Meaning and Origins

So, let’s figure out what the abandonment issues are and where they are coming from. First of all, let’s find out the abandonment issues definition. Well, most of us have the fear of losing someone. We are afraid of the day when our parents die. We are also afraid of the breakups. And it is absolutely normal. The other thing is when the idea of losing, let’s say, your partner turns into paranoia. So, what is abandonment issues meaning?

You may have a trust issue with your partner. You may be constantly thinking that your partner is having an affair and going to leave you for somebody else. But where all this is coming from? Now ask yourself, have you been neglected in your childhood by your parents? Maybe your father abandoned your family? Maybe one of your relatives, who was important to you passed away suddenly, and it traumatized you? If something like that rings the bell, then you may stop asking yourself, “Do I have abandonment issues?” and proclaim, “I have abandonment issues,” as it’s going to be the first step in your therapy.

You can now see that your adult fear of abandonment comes from certain childhood trauma. Even if you thought that you would overcome them with age, most likely, it didn’t happen. Fears hide deep and resurface when you least expect them. You don’t believe it? Well, let’s check out if you have the main symptoms.

Main Symptoms of Abandonment Issues

Okay, we might have pushed too hard on you, and it makes sense to check if you are suffering from abandonment issues. So, how we go about it? Is there some abandonment issues quiz you can take? No. To make sure whether you are having them or not, we offer you to check the list of abandonment issues symptoms. As they are too numerous to mention in one article, we’ve decided to focus on the main ones.

1. Being Overly Sensitive to Criticism

Criticism is something that helps a normal person grow. When someone is pointing out your mistakes, it’s a great possibility to find a new way to do something. To find ways to avoid committing the same mistakes. That’s something that everyone knows. You know it as well, at least you say so. But whenever someone criticizes your actions or decisions, you become furious as you cannot accept that.

2. You Find It Difficult to Trust Someone

Trust for you is something like a Holy Grail. You seek trust, but it is extremely difficult for you to trust people. Because of that it extremely hard for you to find a partner or even make friends. Some people don’t hang around for that long till you may confide in them.

3. You Push It to Extreme to Avoid Breakups

Because it’s that difficult for you to find a partner, when you finally do, you are ready to go to extreme measures to avoid ending up that relationship. If the partner tells you that you are over, you may go as far as pretending to have a psychotic breakdown or threatening your partner to commit suicide. A lame way to make your partner stay, but you use it anything.

4. You Stay in an Unhealthy Relationship

Fear of being abandoned pushes you way too far, and you often end up staying in an unhealthy relationship, where you may suffer abuse from your partner. It mustn’t be so dramatic, but you are eager to keep a relationship that causes only pain and grief you and your partner, only to avoid being alone.

5. You Do Everything to Please Your Partner

You are eager to do anything to please your partner. Even something that your partner has never asked you for, which often leads to awkward situations. You are always ready to run the extra mile for your partner because you constantly feel that you are not good enough for them. Needless to say, your actions leave your partner confused, at least.

6. Misreading Actions of Others

Now, just ask yourself how many times it was that you had a one-night stand with someone, and thought that it was the beginning of a long-term relationship? How often have you misread someone’s simple politeness as a sign of affection? Definitely, when the truth came up, you had to survive through some very awkward situations.

7. Suffering from Mood Swings

You decide to come early from work and prepare dinner for your partner, but they are late from work, and of course, the dinner is cold already. You start a fight, where you blame your partner for not valuing you enough. You may even say that you would be better off alone. But then you start asking your partner for forgiveness. Sounds familiar? Well, your abandonment issues bite your relationship.

How Abandonment Issues Affect Relationship

While you could have pictured how abandonment issues affect relationships, it’s quite difficult to realize that you are having a problem unless you are given an example that matches your situation. To be more certain, we offer you to check out the main ways that abandonment issues affect your relationship.

Trust Issues

So, you are dating, which means that your partner has been around for quite a long time, and you can trust them, right? But what if they run away? What if there’s someone better than me, whom my partner may favor over me? It all ends up with you thinking that your paranoia is real, and you start terrorizing your partner with a question like, “Where have you been?” or “Why are you late?”

Problems in Intimacy

Let’s be honest, intimacy comes as a way to open up to a person. When you are suffering from a constant fear of being abandoned, you are trying to delay intimacy as long as possible. First of all, you are afraid that you will open and lose your partner. You also fear that your partner won’t be impressed by you and run away. It all ends up having fights because of your intimacy issues.

Sabotaging Relationships

You also manage to sabotage your relationship. No one can take you being constantly suspicious. And even when you understand that your attitude leads to an inevitable breakup, you are leading your ship to wreck. And why is that? Because you are to blame, and that is so convenient. Being responsible for a breakup easily adds to your point of view where you are ruining everything.

Tolerating Toxic Relationships

And of course, you are tolerating toxic relationships. Friends and partners, who treat you badly, constantly point out your weakness, and insult you from time to time. You might have thought about breaking up with them, but you can’t, as you are fearing that you are going to be all alone, and you won’t be able to make new acquaintances.

How to Overcome Abandonment Issues?

Well, it all seems like you are not going to have a normal friendship or a normal relationship. Even if you think you have, give yourself just a little more time, and you will completely destroy it. Thus, you need to figure out how to overcome abandonment issues.

Stop Judging Yourself

You are constantly judging yourself that you are not good enough for someone. Stop it. Instead of telling yourself that you are not good enough for someone, try giving yourself a bit of love and respect that you deserve. You will see the change in yourself and notice that others start treating you with love and respect.

Take Responsibility

It is your life, and no one is responsible for it, but you. No one is forcing you to stay in a toxic relationship. Just because you can sabotage your relationship, it doesn’t mean that you have to. Yes, the fear of being abandoned is so big and frustrating, that it is easier for you to be abandoned than living in that constant paranoia. Most of your life you thought of yourself as of a maker of your own evil. And here where it gets quite tricky. You see, if you are the maker of your evil, then you can stop it. Instead of taking responsibility for ruining something, try being actually responsible and prevent your relationship from being destroyed. That’s the most crucial step in your abandonment issues treatment.

Be Open With Your Partner

Instead of accusing your partner of being unfaithful, try talking through your problems. The way that you fear being abandoned. But you need to do that with an open heart, without trying to manipulate your partner into feeling sorry for you. It would be difficult at first, but you will see over time that trusting each other makes your relationship works better when you are trying to control everything in fear that it will come crashing down.

Accept Your Fear

All in all, we all fear of losing someone important. But we don’t think about it constantly. This fear is natural. You should remember that just because you’ve been abandoned or neglected previously, it doesn't mean that it will happen to you again. By lifting your fear to paranoid levels, you are making everything possible for the abandonment to happen. Because breaking up or being abandoned is close to the apocalypse for you. And you are the one who sees it’s coming, while others experience no fear.

To make progress in your abandonment issues therapy, you need to accept your fear as something natural. As a part of being a human being. That’s the only way to let the fear go. If you find it difficult to do it on your own, we will strongly suggest paying a visit to your psychotherapist, who will help you find ways to overcome your fear of being abandoned.