How to End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship?

20.02.2023

What is a manipulator in a relationship? The manipulator plays on feelings of fear or guilt, forcing us to act contrary to our interests. And if this is the closest relative, there is a great risk of living like this for years. It is important to recognize this abuse, not just physical but emotional. It is not so noticeable from the outside but leaves deep wounds in the soul. The psychologist tells how to stop the manipulation.

If you feel that the interlocutor, with the help of clever tactics, “playing on the nerves,” pity, or threats, is forcing you to do something completely different from what you planned, most likely, you have a manipulator in front of you. You can get out of his trap by following five steps.

How to get out of a manipulative relationship?

1. Realize that you are being manipulated. For a long time, acting according to the expectations of the manipulator, sooner or later, we can experience an unpleasant aftertaste. We finally understand that we are being used. We get angry, and we try to stop it, but at the climax, we “bend” again. Awareness of manipulative behavior in relationships is the first step on the way out of the manipulative scenario. If you succeed, praise yourself and give yourself a small gift.

2. Determine what manipulation is. How to break up with a manipulator? We figured out that all this time, we were led by the nose, forced to act in a way that was unprofitable for us. It's time to figure out why we are so easily led to the intrigues of a manipulator. The answer is usually specific and related to our situation. For example, we are afraid that the boss will fire us. Or we are afraid that my boyfriend is manipulating me and falling out of love if I "show character" and defend my point of view. Or we are afraid to be left without money if, for example, the ex-husband begins to give less to raise a child. The manipulator instilled fear in us and inspired us that we would be lost without his care and protection. You can also be afraid of yourself if the manipulator wants to charge us with guilt for your refusal to help.

3. Come up with a plan B and find a support group. How to break up with a controlling boyfriend? Time to think about what happens if we do not do what the manipulator expects from us. Will we lose money, a job, a loved one, or something else? In many situations, we have nothing to lose. The manipulator imposed these fears on us. But what if the boss is really ready to fire us and a loved one to reject us? This is an occasion to think about whether the work is worth the humiliation and whether a relationship based on addiction is needed.

4. Turn on your imagination. In an emotionally manipulative relationship, finding your own safe island is important. Imagine finding a new job or severing a relationship that hurts you; in as much detail as possible, what you will do, how to look for a job or a newly rented apartment so that you no longer live with a manipulator under the same roof. Imagine that you no longer feel fear and guilt. Inspiring, isn't it? How to get out of a controlling relationship? Having come up with a retreat plan, remember those friends and relatives whose support you can count on. Someone will be able to shelter you for a while; someone will support you with a kind word. The size of the contribution of each is not so important; the main thing is that there are people who care about you.

5. Tell it like it is. This step is not easy; you will have to make contact with a manipulative girlfriend or a manipulative partner again. But this is the only way to stop the manipulation. Wait for the next situation when you are going to act according to someone else's scenario and not of your own free will. Step back and look at what is happening from the side, as if telling someone about what is happening. Sometimes it helps to take a step back. Take a deep breath, and feel the air move in and out of your lungs. You have 15 more seconds. Remember everything you recorded for yourself at the previous stage, all the plans, dreams, and people on your side. You can imagine them all behind you. Get together and, in a calm voice, tell the manipulator that you understand what the essence of his actions is. For example, “You are saying this now because you are afraid I will refuse to help you.” "You just want to bind me to you." “You are threatening me with this because you hope that, as a result, I will not go anywhere.” Turn off your emotions and say the phrase as if you are explaining to a passerby how to get to the library. It is better to prepare and rehearse your speech in advance. If what we said catches us quickly and fears and feelings begin to stir inside again, then this is the whole point of manipulation.

6. Step back. How to leave a controlling partner? Now try to step back after you have voiced the essence of his intrigues and intentions to the manipulator; he will certainly explode. And this will also be a sign of toxic, manipulative relationships. We need to be prepared that now the manipulator will freak out and make excuses, and the stronger, the more accurately we hit the target. The main thing is to understand that this flurry of emotions no longer has anything to do with us. After all, now you know exactly what is a controlling boyfriend and female manipulation in relationships. The manipulator is indignant that he was discovered and that the scheme he invented no longer works. He urgently needs to come up with something new to intimidate the victim, to return everything to its place. His anger is not directed at us; he scolds himself. If possible, it is better to leave immediately, not the time to sort out who is right and who is wrong. It is better to leave the manipulator alone with his feelings. He needs to digest the situation, and you need to tune in to a new life without scenarios imposed by others. It is important for you to relax, and spend time with friends or family. You did a great job; the phrase you uttered was short, but you did not dare to utter it for so long. You deserve a pleasant vacation, going to the cinema, gatherings with friends, and a trip out of town. The manipulator may try to impose his scheme on you again and come up with a new hook to hook on. Your task is to refrain from responding to his proposals, even if they seem quite innocent. It is worth waiting a bit for both you and him to cool down and recover, and in addition, you need to learn new behavior and no longer dance to someone else's tune. The main thing is not to ask how to manipulate a manipulator in a relationship; you need to build harmonious relationships.

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