How to Overcome Commitment Issues: General Advice

24.05.2018

Most women and men with commitment issues actually might desire to dedicate themselves as fully as possible to their romantic relationships, but, perhaps due to some past traumas or lack of self-confidence, are often afraid of being hurt once more. Instead, they usually pull away. So, if you are looking for professional help with your question of how to overcome fear of commitment in relationships, it is highly recommended that you pay a visit to a mental health specialist who can help you finally make sense of your situation and contradictory feelings.

And while you will be working through those problems that “gifted” you a commitment phobia, think about learning some new ways and tips on how to get over commitment issues. Or, if you are already in a romantic relationship, there’s a chance you could learn some other possible ways to help you work through your fears with your loved one.

Relationships and commitment: how it works

So what are commitment issues? Commitment issues also known as the fear of commitment, is a psychological term commonly used in reference to romantic relationships, denoting a romantic partner (or both partners) who finds it exceedingly hard to commit so that they might also experience this difficulty in other facets of everyday life. Such individuals with commitment issues can experience different forms of mental distress and emotional difficulties when facing situations that require dedication to achieve some particular long-term goal.

The point is, finding the pace in a romantic relationship can make the biggest challenge for a loving couple. No doubt, it is easy to fall in love, once you have found a person you consider to be the right one for you. It is also easy to say, “I love you,” while sharing some special moments with your date.

But what about the consistency all of us crave, that comes from true commitment only? Well, that can be a lot harder. Yet entirely possible! Commitment begins with a strong desire. Each party involved has to want it and, at the same time, be absolutely willing to sacrifice for the other one. The most important thing is that it is actually not as hard as you may think.

Modern people appear to be committing to things a little bit less than their parents and older generations. Purchasing a house, settling down, finding that special person. Nobody wants to feel rushed.

Levels of commitment in relationships

When attempting to build a loving, totally healthy intimate relationship, it is always important to have the most accurate roadmap for the journey. The bigger part of our culture’s roadmaps tend to emphasize fantasy, false vision, illusion and total denial, so, it comes as no surprise that those following such maps are likely to have unhappy, conflict-filled relationships. What actually follows is a reality-based road view that comes from research into romantic couples’ real-life experiences of being engaged in long-term relationships.

While many theorists appear to disagree on the exact names as well as the number of the levels couples happen to progress through, there still is a general consensus present that most unions go through some kind of the following levels or stages. Not every couple might be going exactly through all the following levels and some couples can be traveling through those in much different sequence, but in the vast majority of cases, this is an absolutely normative experience for the partners in long-term committed relationships.

1. Romantic Love

This is precisely that type of love Hollywood has been promoting as the only type of love for so many years. Romantic love is plain wonderful, pure, and always effortless. There is usually a tremendous focus on maximizing similarities as well as minimizing the existing differences. Moreover, there is generally a high degree of sexual passion, feelings and all sorts of expressions of romance. Both partners experience this period as living in some state of near-constant infatuation and bliss.

As a rule, this stage lasts from six months up to two years, making the SHORTEST level of any of the levels in a long-term committed relationship.

2. Adjusting to Reality

Ah, reality. Inevitably gray everyday reality rears its ugly head and the whole romantic dating bubble suddenly bursts. While at this stage, it is pretty common to feel as if somebody or something or even your life itself has cheated on you or stole something truly precious from you. There is still quite a strong desire to be close again but there’s also a good deal of confusion as how to ensure that. In short, Adjusting to Reality stage is indeed the time when the true relationship begins.

3. The Struggle

As the disillusionment of the previous stage goes deeper down, the couple starts to have more and more disagreements. Sometimes even the most insignificant issues can blow up into full-scale arguments. Moreover, mutual doubts arise as to whether your significant other really loves you. A consistent feeling of anger is also present there. Blaming and accusing have become a usual form of interaction between the partners.

4. Re-Evaluation

Both sides emotionally disengage and withdraw from one another during this stage, making it the stage where breakup or divorce is likely to occur. Constant feeling of resentment is somehow less intense while in this stage, as the interaction within the relationship can be really poor. Sexual relations are almost nonexistent. At this very point, even the tiniest manifestation of affection is pretty like throwing a match in the grass on a hot summer day.

5. Reconciliation

If your romantic relationship has survived till this point, there is a powerful reawakening of mutual interest getting closer again. There is also an open acceptance of all the conflicts and differences currently present in your relationship, but they are approached rather as opportunities for learning more about both your own and your significant other. In addition, there is a deeper acceptance that any relationship can’t and will not save your couple in any sense. Anyway, the war is finally over, the conflicts are eliminated, and there is a genuine desire to keep learning to work together through the issues until you reach a mutually satisfying resolution.

6. Acceptance

At last, the closing stage of a committed relationship. There is an integration of your own needs and the needs of the relationship. Each partner involved in a relationship takes full responsibility for their own actions and needs, still also providing the needed support to the other one. A high level of mutual warmth is also present. Resentments and fights are few. Romantic partners work together as a united team in order to stay connected and preserve their own identities.

How to overcome commitment issues

1. Find a good therapist

If you just can’t figure out how to overcome fear of commitment by yourself, consider contacting a counselor or social worker who can work with you on dealing with your commitment problems. In any case, make sure your specialist is licensed by a state or any other national governing agency that oversees mental healthcare professionals.

2. Find out your fears and acknowledge them

If you want to find an answer to “how to overcome commitment phobia?” first of all you’ll need to figure out what it is about commitment exactly that scares or disappoints you. Different people might find entirely different parts of commitment frightening. On the whole, most people are often afraid of intimacy itself and sincere emotional connection, however, in particular cases, there is yet another point that is holding romantic partners back from establishing a healthy committed relationship. The first thing you should ensure is to recognize that something is going wrong. Try to call that particular thing by its name and you’ll instantly gain a bigger amount of power over it. Acknowledging these fears of yours definitely allows you to recognize what’s really going on with your relationship and take the right steps with the purpose to alleviate your fears.

3. Keep a diary

Spend some of your time taking notes in a journal regarding all your commitment issues and fears. Journaling will help you clarify your current state and understand yourself and your partner better. Your written records will also serve to show you precise track of your couple’s progress, which can help you feel much better about yourself as well.

4. Examine other aspects of your life for potential commitment difficulties

Define any areas of your life that might be causing you frequent stress or depression, and consider whether the existing commitment problems are to blame there. Does the fear of commitment in your romantic relationship also show up in other aspects of your life? And if you get to see a pattern, you might wish to talk to a counselor about the ways to break the cycle.

5. Examine your entire life history

A fear of commitment is also pretty likely to be a result of your past decisions and experiences. That’s why you need to find out what events in your past could have contributed to your present fears. A professional therapist or just a close friend of yours could also help you with this one by being there with you to listen to your concerns and help you out. Furthermore, talk to your family members to get some extra information on what exactly took place in your childhood. Bear in mind that the trauma at the time of your relationship difficulties may derive from your memory.

6. Define if your partner is the right person

Oftentimes people are afraid to commit simply because they have not chosen themselves the right person, whether it can be subconscious or not. That’s why, before stepping into a new relationship, go ahead and determine what qualities and values are necessary to you in a love mate once you feel 100% ready for a long-lasting relationship. So far, this is one of the most important steps in preparing for a new stage in life. The more you get to know about what you really want and need, the less likely you will be to make a mistake.

Final Thoughts

Some may be dreaming of finding their ideal partner they would love and be with only that someone for the foreseeable future. However, for many others, the whole idea of settling down can seem terrifying. And if you have already found somebody you are totally crazy about, but you’re still trying to figure out how to overcome the fear of commitment, such task may appear a little bit daunting, and the process unsettling. Even if anything super serious happens to your relationship, like a wedding plan that is not in the nearest future, the thought of living with one person only still remains scary for many people.

All in all, can a person overcome fear of commitment? Of course, they can! Just remember that you are not alone with your problems, and you WILL beat them. It may take some time and effort, but, in the end, it will all be worth the hard work when you finally get that totally healthy and happy love relationship!