Love Languages: Enhancing Connection in Relationships

20.07.2023

What is your love language? Each of us at least once said in our hearts to ourselves or a friend: “We seem to communicate in different languages!”. And it doesn't matter who it was about - about a man, children or parents. Definitely about people for whom we have strong feelings. The paradox is that two loving people sometimes cannot find mutual understanding, and their communication resembles a dialogue between the blind and the deaf. Gary Chapman believes all people have a basic way of expressing love - and a few complementary ones. The problem arises when our language differs from that spoken by our loved ones.

Definition of love language

Love language is the concept that the expression of feelings can be compared to the language a person speaks. The American writer Gary Chapman first spoke about love languages in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Love to Your Companion, published in 1992.

According to the concept of love language explained, each person expresses affection “in their own language”, and misunderstanding in relationships happens if these languages do not match. Gary Chapman identifies five ways to express love: touch, words, gifts, time, and help. Accordingly, if both in a couple “speak” about love in the language of help, then, for example, joint housework and household tasks make partners happy. However, suppose one partner speaks the language of help, and the other needs, for example, directly expressed words of love. In that case, the partners may not understand each other and conflict since neither of them receives the manifestation of affection he needs.

It is worth noting that the idea of love languages has no scientific justification and causes a lot of discussion.

What are the 5 love languages?

The paradox of love - almost all parents love their children, but not all children love it. The same thing happens in adult relationships. We do not know how to express our feelings, so there is a contradiction. There are those who consider their love obvious and those who find it enough to periodically say or write in a message: "I love you." It doesn't prove anything.

Gary Chapman calls love language list praise, quality time together, gifts, help, and affection as love languages. It is important for people to be encouraged, given time, given gifts, helped, and hugged. Our leading love language depends on our upbringing, family of origin, and personality traits. Few of us have been taught to understand and express our feelings, so at best, we learn one or two languages, and children inherit what they see. It is important to teach them to express feelings in different ways - the more they learn from us, the easier it will be for them to find a common language with friends, future partners, and their parents. And we, teaching children, will expand our range of expression of feelings, strengthen relationships within the family, and better understand others, and express our feelings so that they are understandable to everyone.

What are the five love languages?

• Words of support. Each of us has to doubt our strengths and the correctness of the path, and the words of support from loved ones encourage and give energy. The one for whom praise is the main language is constantly waiting for it; it feeds confidence in love and a sense of self-worth. If your child or partner's leading love language is praise, learn to express love in the way they want. Listen to your surroundings - how a friend said something pleasant to her husband, what a colleague said when she praised you for a good idea, what phrases characters exchange in films. All this can form the basis of your vocabulary.

• Quality time together. Time is now a resource, more valuable than health. And for those for whom this is the main language of love, you need to be with you without distractions. In the language of time, it is better to listen than to give advice or solve a problem. How many women complain to their husbands about something that upsets or angers them, and they begin to offer solutions to the problem instead of just sharing feelings and assenting? If you speak the language of the time, look the person in the eye, and don't get distracted by other things, kids, or phone calls. Don't interrupt. It is better to observe the interlocutor, his gestures, facial expressions, and intonations. Give yourself to someone else. 

• Present. To love means to give, and different types of love languages confirm this. The gift perfectly illustrates this phrase! It does not matter if you buy it or make it yourself; it is more important that, in the process, you think about who it is intended for and sincerely want to please. Gifts can be expensive if your finances allow, but they don't have to be. Let them better tell the recipient what you thought of him. A selection of “your” songs for a husband or an album for a child with the message “mother is always there” can mean much more to relatives than the latest iPhone model or an expensive doll.

• Help. To help us to reflect love in action. Help takes time and effort, but it is a pleasant exchange. The husband brings heavy packages from the supermarket; you cook dinner, and the children clear the table. Or you help your child make an application; he hangs up the laundry after washing, and your husband fills you with a bath before going to bed and puts the children to bed. All this improves the situation in the family because each of its members knows that he is loved, helped, and taken care of. If your partner finds fault with you, looks annoyed, and thinks that help is his love language, ask him to think about what he would like to receive from you. This is love language meaning. A to-do list of 3-5 will suffice. Most likely, there will be something feasible there - making him coffee in the morning, not leaving shoes on the doorstep, making the bed, or filling out utility bills on time. Try to fulfill these requests without expecting anything in return. 

• Touch. What does love language mean? For those who speak the language of affection, it is important to touch each other - hugging, watching a movie, cuddling up to a partner, walking holding hands. Kissing and sex occupy an essential place in a relationship, and their lack makes you doubt love. Any affection speaks about her, and random rudeness is perceived with resentment. When touching your partner, treat his body with tenderness and respect. What pleases you is not necessarily pleasant to someone else. Watch and listen. In addition to sex, fleeting touches during the day play a huge role. Run your hand through your hair as you walk by, pat your shoulder when you bring tea, and give your partner a massage at the end of the day, and your partner will feel loved. 

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