How to Accept Your Relationship Is Ending

05.07.2023

How to accept your relationship is ending? Breaking up a relationship is always stressful and difficult to deal with. Moreover, a gap can occur both in healthy relationships and in neurotic ones. Breaking up a healthy relationship is easier. In such cases, the couple is usually in dialogue; this decision does not become a bolt from the blue. Most often, the decision to leave is made together; the partners are prepared for changes in life, everyone is confident in their abilities, expects the best from the future, and is adapted to a new life. Of course, even if the decision was balanced, it takes time emotionally, physically, and from the everyday point of view to separate from the partner to adjust to a new rhythm. And yet, in this case, all this is experienced as something that can be overcome and live on.

How to accept that a relationship is over? The rupture of neurotic relationships is more difficult. In this case, within the union, there was no practice of confidential communication, an open dialogue where partners frankly express their will and desires. Often partners do not even really know each other and do not seek to understand the motives and feelings of a partner. If the breakup and separation come as a surprise, it is highly likely that it was a neurotic relationship.

In this situation, the one who did not make the decision to leave is going through a difficult and traumatic experience. This can exacerbate chronic psychological trauma, which will “finish off” a person already exhausted by a break.

Causes of Neurotic Relationships

• Neurotic love, like toxic relationships, has its origins in childhood and reflects relationships with parents. For example, if a child suffers from the coldness of his parents, it is likely that in adulthood, he will look for the same partner. His ideas about love and relationships are associated with detachment, so the colder, the better.

• Another example: Quite often, depressed parents (or one of them) instill guilt in the child. This happens automatically and sometimes without the parents realizing that the child is constantly suffering from the fact that he cannot make mom or dad happy. Such a child will look for a partner who is difficult to please.

• How to accept the fact that your relationship is over? Neurotic relationships differ from healthy ones in that, firstly, the partner “loves” through suffering because, unfortunately, he does not have the experience of relationships in which everyone is satisfied and happy. He loves those who do not value him, repels them, and brings pain. Such relationships are based on the fact that a person revisits the cinema of the past over and over again: despite the fact that his partner is cold, nevertheless, they are together, which means that it is similar to what happened to him in childhood - in his understanding, this and there is love, which he associates with any kind of suffering, just not to be abandoned.

• Therefore, when a partner in adulthood abandons such a person, the picture of his childhood, in which he was not noticed, did not share warmth with him and did not pay due attention, comes to life. The biggest fear of his childhood came true - he was abandoned after all. The suffering that arises in response is chronic trauma. They are so painful that they do not allow you to look at this situation differently and benefit from it; for example, recognize the previous relationship as destructive, draw conclusions, and still find that person who will honestly love in return. It is also important to accept the relationship is over in time.

Defense reactions of the psyche

If the separation entails the revival of old sores, the psychological defense mechanisms will first come out to stabilize the mental state.

• Negation. “No, this will pass, and we will be together again!” what to do when your relationship is failing? A person who uses denial will selflessly look for signs that he is right. For example, a woman can persuade herself that even though her partner left her, he did not leave for another, which means that he does not love anyone and will soon return back.

• Crowding out. when a relationship is over, the abandoned partner can tell himself: “Nothing terrible happened; it will hurt and be forgotten.” However, this pain can drag on for several years and become chronic. Those who manage to repress unpleasant experiences may not pay attention to internal discomfort and unhappiness, as they have become accustomed to this as their usual state.

• Regression. This psychological defense mechanism can induce a person to tantrums - a primitive form of removing responsibility for what is happening. Or, on the contrary, regressing, a person can literally freeze: emotions, as well as will, appetite, and desire to live, disappear when your relationship is over. A depressive period may begin.

• Sublimation. What to do when your relationship is falling apart? Well known to those who tend to overlook unpleasant experiences. By sublimating, a person can completely go to work or any other activity that helps to forget and not think about the traumatic event.

• Acute reactions, aggression toward others and auto-aggression

• Suppose the tension in the psyche is great. In that case, it will look for a way out, for example, in the form of sharp reactions: aggressive attacks, a tough style of communication (for example, at work or driving), angry posts on social networks, frequent sexual contacts that carry a feeling of disappointment, leaving in alcohol and drugs.

All these mechanisms work unconsciously; that is, they are manifested not by the will and desire of a person but automatically. The mind may say that drinking is bad, but the suffering can be so unbearable that any method that allows you to slightly raise the pain threshold becomes suitable.

There is another defense that is at the level of consciousness, which can be controlled and used at the right time. This is the so-called psychological compensation, which is expressed in adaptive behavior. For example, in order not to meet with the former, they block him in the phone book and social networks and avoid meeting. There is also a reverse situation: to better navigate what is happening and get the complete picture, a recent partner is placed in the field of view. Behind this, there may be a desire to clarify everything to the smallest detail and once again make sure that "this is actually happening and is my relationship ending."

I feel like my relationship is dying. Whatever type of protection works, you need to remember that this is a natural reaction to severe stress, and any psychological protection performs an important function - to protect the psyche from destruction. It is important that after the defense stage, the mourning phase begins when the fact that everything is over and you can mourn your pain is recognized - this is a natural process when working through the loss of a relationship with a loved one.

How to help yourself?

Breaking up a relationship is a big mental burden. We don’t just say “heart breaks” or “soul hurts” - the body is actually going through serious psycho-physiological stress. The cardiovascular system, digestion, hormonal levels, sleep, and the ability to rest, the natural rhythm of day and night come under attack.

During difficult changes in life, it is very important to remember that you are in an unusual state for yourself, and, if possible, help yourself: eat fully, get enough sleep, do exercises to relieve stress, eat those foods that give strength and do not burden the body.

In fairness, it must be said that not at all stages of stress it is possible to do anything at all. Sometimes lying flat and staring at the wall is the best thing you can do to help yourself.

In order for the process of loss to proceed smoothly and end, it is very important to honestly go through all its stages and begin with accepting the end of a relationship. After the first wave of shock subsides, the stage of aggression begins, interspersed with a rationalization - the desire to talk to the partner repeatedly and thus improve the state of affairs (the so-called bargaining stage). These steps can take varying amounts of time, and, unfortunately, it is not possible to predict their duration.

One of the last stages is depression because our relationship is over, but this is a stable state. It is easy to recognize it by a breakdown, dulled feelings and reactions, inability to enjoy, sleep, and appetite disorders. Despite the difficult course, this is a very important period that prepares us for the final resolution of the situation - the stage of acceptance and the end of mourning.

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