How to Deal with Conflict in Relationships: Conflict Resolution Techniques

How to deal with conflicts in a relationship? Conflicts are most often caused by different values, interests, needs, desires, and expectations of the parties. Our reality is different from the reality of any other person; in other words: we look at the same situation in our own way. You can't run from conflict. It remains only to learn how to effectively resolve them.

How to resolve conflict in a relationship when both feel strongly?

• Manage emotions. Of course, when conflict arises, it is difficult to contain aggressive emotions. But in this state, we can hardly think objectively. Emotions are like dry firewood; they only kindle a fire. It's better to take a break and let our feelings cool down. But how do you know if you're emotionally charged? At this moment, your voice is raised, you cannot concentrate, and you feel discomfort. In any conflict, it is important to remain calm. To overcome conflict in relationships, just say, "Let's break up for a while, think about it, and come back with a solution." After all, we all want the conflict to be resolved amicably and the parties to come to peace of mind.

• Put yourself in the place of your opponent. How to manage conflict in a relationship? You can have millions of reasons to dislike the other side and only see the negative consequences of their actions. And it's counterproductive. It's not about the person but about the interests that he represents. As soon as you calm down (begin to manage emotions), put yourself in the place of the other side and try to understand the interests, desires, and needs of the opponent, or rather “his pain.” This way, you will see the full picture of what is happening. This will help prepare for a calm resolution of the conflict.

• Offer a solution that satisfies both you and the other party. Conflict is not a game in which someone has to win and someone has to lose. And we do not pursue the goal - to punish. You need to look for ways to resolve conflict in a relationship. It is important here to build a dialogue and not to prove that your views are correct. Establish a connection with the interlocutor and let him speak fully. This tactic is beneficial: the solution should satisfy not only the other side but also you.

• Create a plan to solve the problem. A conflict in which there are only mutual accusations is a swamp in which you can get bogged down for a very long time. If you want the result of a conflict situation to be a real solution to the problem, then there is a need for a plan for further action. How to solve the conflict in a relationship? In fact, a plan for solving a problem and settling a conflict situation is a detailed answer to the question, “How can this be solved?” Given by both parties. It is worth asking yourself what you can do in this situation, how to contribute to solving the problem, and what you think your partner should do. And let the other side of the conflict ask the same questions and then discuss the answers. As a rule, the plan for solving the problem drawn up after this is something of an average of all the opinions of different parties, a kind of "golden mean."

• Be flexible. How to handle issues in a relationship? Conflicts can be very tenacious, and the reason for this lies in the lack of flexibility on the part of both sides. During the conflict, each person becomes a little like a warrior: I am ready to fight to the end, defending my interest because truth and truth are on my side. We get so hung up on our own motives, emotions, and desires that we simply refuse to understand the position of the opponent. But to begin with, you need to do very little - just listen to the opinion of the other side. It is impossible to resolve a conflict when each side is limited only by the need to satisfy their own interests. But if you listen to the other side and try to forget about your principles and positions for a while, you can discover another path for yourself - the path of finding a compromise or cooperation to solve the problem. The positive of this path, first of all, is that it promises satisfaction (at least partially) of the interests of both parties, brings mutual satisfaction with the result obtained, and helps the partners to unite as a couple. As a result, a family already hardened in life's difficulties but withstood and strengthened emerges from such a conflict.

• The conflict is not eternal. Conflicts, like any process, have their beginning, development, and end. No quarrel will last forever, which is worth keeping in mind. After what has happened, life will continue, and it is better to always think about what will happen in this “after.” The conflict itself is not a "world evil" - the whole question is how we use it. An unconstructive conflict involves an emotional outburst of the parties, a hail of mutual accusations, and long-held resentment. 

• Keep negative emotions in check. Of course, this is not about complete isolation from negative experiences. If you constantly accumulate an emotional charge inside yourself and do not give it an outlet, then internal negativity can result in neurotic or psychosomatic diseases. In this case, we mean restraining emotions directly during the conflict - so as not to say or do anything that you will later regret very much. These are effective strategies for addressing conflict in relationships. Self-control is an important component in resolving any conflicts. If opponents lose control of themselves, emotions begin to overwhelm them. Over time, both the cause of the quarrel and the essence of mutual claims may be forgotten, but the memory of unpleasant experiences will remain - this will be a kind of emotional imprint of what happened. Therefore, if you really want to achieve resolving relationship conflicts and not inflame them, hold back your emotions for the duration of the conflict. 

Tips for conflict resolution in relationships

• First of all, give yourself time, and do not rush to react to your partner's actions. It is quite possible that you are used to reacting in a certain way in a conflict. If you notice that after the conflict, you are not satisfied, and do not see that the situation was resolved in a way that was suitable for you and your partner, try to understand your usual reaction first. Maybe it's one of the ones above? Or something else, but also not leading to satisfaction? Such a pause also helps to understand what you want from a partner. 

• It is very important to understand the interest of your partner. the key to resolving conflict in a relationship is to feel free to ask clarifying questions: “Why is this important to you?”, “What did you mean when you said ...?”. And listen to what he says. In the heat of the moment, we may miss what is really important to him. Help both get out of the vicious circle of mutual reproaches. If you understand the interest of the partner and your own, you have already done half the battle.

• Pick a time. Agree, it’s not very useful to “understand” at the moment when your partner just came home from work, tired and hungry. Or when you're visiting someone's parents. Of course, feelings are "boiling," and it is difficult to force yourself to postpone the showdown until the right moment. But here the choice is yours, what is more, valuable for you - to wait or to deal with the consequences of the conversation when your relatives also entered into it. Think about it, how do you usually do this? When and under what circumstances do you conflict? What can be done to lessen the risk of being in such situations? Or, perhaps, agree in advance with a partner on how to clarify the dispute to mitigate the consequences?

• Advice for couples in conflict - during a conflict, it is useful to talk about the current situation without burdening it with past disagreements. Agree, there is a difference; the partner will tell you, “You always criticize me and devalue me!” or “When you just said that…, I feel…”? Generalizations “always,” “every time,” and “constantly” are dangerous because, firstly, it is difficult to see the real need of a partner behind them, and, secondly, they turn the conflict into a snowball of mutual reproaches. And at the moment when you decide to talk about a disagreement with a partner, it is important to remember the value of your connection with him. 

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