How to make a relationship last

How to keep a relationship strong and happy? Each of us at least once heard that the key to a happy relationship is trust, the ability to hear a partner, and compromise. But how can this knowledge be put into practice?

Any girl who is getting married dreams that she will live a long and happy life with her chosen one. However, the statistics are disappointing: 67% of marriages break up before the fortieth anniversary of the spouses.

Avoid the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

How to make your relationship strong and last longer? It is impossible to live a long life together without quarrels; this is a utopia. Happy couples differ from unhappy ones just in the way they know how to get out of conflict situations.

The American psychologist identified the "four horsemen of the apocalypse," that is, the four destructive components of family life: criticism, contempt, defensive reaction, and alienation. Any conflict in an unsuccessful marriage begins with criticism of one of the parties, then sarcasm and cynicism are used, demonstrating the contempt of partners for each other. In response, the accused goes on the counteroffensive and insults the enemy. As a result, one or both spouses are excluded from the conflict and withdraw into themselves - figuratively speaking, they build an impenetrable wall. The repetition of such conflicts leads to estrangement and, as a result, divorce.

Fight right

What makes relationships last? The psychologist suggests changing tactics and following several principles during a quarrel. First, you need to soften the beginning of the conversation. If you want to discuss with your spouse his neglect of household chores, you should not start with an attack. Talk about your feelings: "I want you to help me more around the house" instead of "You don't care about your family, and you always forget everything." The second necessary skill is the ability to slow down in time, although it can be quite difficult to do this in the heat of a quarrel. Formal phrases will come to the rescue, which both of you will perceive as a step toward reconciliation. To understand how to make a relationship last, you need to practice these phrases. You can even write them down and hang them on your fridge as a reminder. The next step is the willingness to compromise. It is important to discuss the problem only after you have calmed down.

Take a piece of paper and draw two circles, one inside the other. On the inside, write what you cannot yield in this matter. On the outside, what you are willing to compromise on. Have your partner do the same and then compare the notes. So you will clearly see where you have fundamental differences and where you can go forward.

Attention to details

To understand how to keep a relationship forever, you need to pay attention to the details. In happy families, a close emotional connection between spouses is clearly seen in everyday communication. Such a trifle as watching TV shows together can say more about a couple than a session with a psychotherapist. Observe how often during the day you and your partner show care and tenderness to each other.

The psychologist suggests opening a “bank account of emotions”: any sign of attention to each other is the funds in this account that strengthen the union. However, the desire to please each other mustn't turn into a competition: "you - to me, I - to you." Here it is important to focus on yourself and learn to give and not demand something in return. You can make a list of joint actions and let everyone choose three of them that he likes best.

Keep Traditions

Rituals and traditions appeared in ancient times among the first tribes, and these are things to do to make your relationship stronger. They are needed in order to maintain contact with ancestors, and each other, preserve cultural heritage and streamline your life. The family is not in vain called the cell of society since it reflects its structure at the micro level.

It is important that traditions and rituals correspond to the worldview of all family members. If your spouse does not eat meat for ethical reasons, the idea of \u200b\u200bpreparing kebabs in nature with the whole family is unlikely to be successful. On the basis of rituals and traditions, their symbols appear in the family. For example, if you play Monopoly on Sundays as a family, the set for this game can be passed down from generation to generation. A family legend about how the husband's great-grandfather saved his beloved from enemies can also become a symbol. Proceed from common interests; then traditions will take root by themselves. It's the little things like that that make a relationship that last.

Rules on how to make your relationship strong

• Marry/get into a serious relationship for the right reasons. Many of those who have already divorced and remarried explain that first marriages ended in divorce because they were entered into for the wrong reasons. They can be very different: pressure from relatives and friends; the feeling that it is time for you to settle down; the desire to be a beautiful couple because you look good together; a naive thought, as if with a sweet paradise and in a hut. All this seems logical. But it only seems because there can be only one reason for marriage: you should just want to be close to this person - that's what people with experience say. If you think I want my next relationship to be my last, this is a good reason to get married. The only thing that really works is sincere admiration for each other. But, as is often the case, getting married so that someone makes you happy is straightforward to codependency. And this has never been good for anyone.

• Don't have false hopes. What makes a good relationship last? Often, lovers, when they get married, think that they will always keep their feelings sharp, and when the intensity of emotions subsides, they think that the family is falling apart. Love is a strange thing. When the head is spinning, we are ready to forgive the partner for any mistakes and turn a blind eye to shortcomings. But it will not last forever, at most - a few years. And then the puppy delight with which we look into the eyes of a loved one disappears. And as soon as the thrill of love passes, there is no need to think that love has passed and you are on the verge of divorce. You just need to learn to love a person as he is, respect him and be glad that he is around. True love is a choice: to be with a person, despite the circumstances, despite the fact that he does not always make you happy. It's difficult, but it's also valuable.

• The most important thing in a relationship is respect. You can take your last relationship and analyze if there was respect in them and if not, then this is the main reason for the breakup. People who have been married for 10-15 years most often say that the most important thing for a strong relationship is to communicate with each other and talk frankly about everything that matters. However, those who have 20, 30, or 40 years of marriage behind them say that the most important thing is respect for each other. The fact is that conflicts in couples are inevitable, and we will hurt each other's feelings, no matter how much we want to avoid them. And the only thing that will help you stay together is mutual respect, the feeling that you value each other above all else, trust each other, and trust that your partner will do what is best for both of you. Just do not forget that you also need to respect yourself. Both you and the other half.

• Be frank about everything. What make a relationship strong? You need to talk, especially about what hurts you. If something doesn't suit you in a relationship, you should definitely say it: when we talk frankly, it creates a sense of trust, which creates intimacy. It can be painful, but you still need to do it because no one will fix your relationship but you. Trust is also needed in order to cope with such an unpleasant feeling as jealousy. We all need to understand that a partner may have other interests, they can communicate with other people, and it is not worth getting angry when you see that they are talking to someone else.

• Healthy relationships are found in healthy individuals. How do you keep a relationship going? In any marriage, something has to be sacrificed for the sake of the other person. But the problem is that if the relationship is maintained only because someone gives up their interests for the sake of another, sooner or later, it will end in a break. A relationship based on sacrifice is doomed. Healthy, happy relationships can only be maintained by healthy, happy individuals. The key word is "personality." This means that people should have their own ideas about themselves, personal interests, and their own hobbies to which they devote time.

• Leave free space for each other. One of the most important things in a relationship is not to merge completely with each other. The secret of success is different bank accounts, different credit cards, different friends, and hobbies. Even holidays can be spent separately. It sounds strange - indeed, many are afraid to let go of their partner and give him freedom. But to answer the question of what makes a relationship strong, you need to understand what exactly freedom plays an important role.

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