A Detailed Insight Into the Avoidant Attachment Style in Dating


The present-time world is an endless stream of acquaintances and connections with different people. Everyone has their own background, set of personal qualities and characteristics. Although each person is individual by birth, it is much easier for some people to establish a long-term and trusted relationship, than for others. What is the secret of their success? A child with a strong emotional bond with one’s parents will have more benefits in the future than a child with a weak one. Many have experienced detachment in a relationship, one way or another. And most of us were detached because our partner lacked parental love as a kid.

avoidant attachment style

The Attachment Styles Theory

A style in the attachment theory stands for the relationship with the parents. During infancy to 6 months, a child needs to have a strong emotional connection with at least one parent. Such a mechanism appeared evolutionarily and became the basis in the theory of attachments.

The child strives to be close to the caregiver in stressful situations. It is an adaptive function that improves survival and social ability. The child becomes attached to people who give the one a sense of comfort and security, who are sensitive and attentive to his/her needs. Consequently, this attachment entails the child adopting the caregiver behaviour model. The attachment level between the child and the parents lays the foundation for the child's behaviour patterns in the future. Accordingly, a child who got more love and care in childhood has adopted all the necessary social skills and is more adapted to interacting with other people, than a child deprived of care and attention, and the latter is more prone to abandonment issues. Here are four attachment styles that exist among adults: secure, dismissive-avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and anxious-preoccupied.

What Is An Avoidant Attachment Style?

What is an avoidant attachment style? This is a model of interaction in a relationship when a person constantly avoids generally any kind of intimacy. People with the avoidant attachment style are prone to loneliness, detachment, and independence. They often complain that their partner is “strangling” them in a relationship and requires too much attention and intimacy. They are quite fickle romantically and are primarily self-centred.

The avoidant attachment pattern is taught in childhood. Due to the lack of a strong and trusting relationship with the parent, the child gets used to the lack of support in a stressful situation.

Avoidant attachment style in adults is the same as the child had with the parent. As a result, a person is not adapted to showing and wanting to receive emotional or physical intimacy. In the relationship, he/she takes a passive and even "ghostly" role, as if he/she does not exist at all.

Due to some features of men's upbringing, they more often have avoidant attachment style traits. Women with avoidant attachment style dating is no exception to the rule. Single women are dating men and removing them as soon as they get bored. Such people do not seek to have a long-term relationship with someone because they constantly get tired of it.

What Are the Reasons for Avoidant Attachment Style?

Childhood traumas are often the cause of the avoidant style of attachment. At an early age, a complex of conditioned reflexes is formed that accompany a person in their adult life. If no one responded to your infant screams, you are more likely to be indifferent to your partner's intimacy in the future. Here is what causes an avoidant attachment style:

1. Lack of care

An insufficient amount of care makes the child addicted to feigned independence. In reality, the child is worried that the parent does not show emotional intimacy, but at the same time does not indicate this and takes this as the basis of behaviour in adult life.what is an avoidant attachment style

2. Lack of tenderness and nurturing

In infancy, the child was given attention, but superficially. The child was fed when needed, had its clothes changed etc., but without a bit of maternal care. No one lulled or ran to the cries of teething. In adulthood, this returns in the form of detachment and low levels of empathy.

3. Early maturing

Due to insufficient parental care, children have to take responsibility too early and learn everything themselves. The child adopts parental avoidance of closeness attachment style as the only effective model of behaviour and adaptation to external conditions. The child gets used to behaving detached and subsequently becomes isolated in the relationship in adulthood.

4. Lack of example and model of behavior

The principle of work is like father like son. Often, there is no mutual assistance and love between a child's parents with a detached style of behaviour. As a result, an adult will not have a base for interaction in a relationship. A person will see their obsession with themselves and indifference to their partner as absolutely normal.

5. Suppression of emotions and fear of expressing them

An adult with the avoidant attachment type in childhood suppressed his/her urge to throw himself/herself into the arms of his/her mother or father because he/she would not receive warmth and love in return. In a relationship, such a person is unlikely to come for comfort or tenderness to their soulmate, because they have not learned and are not used to it. On the other hand, such a person will not be ready to support or show concern.

6. The habit of blocking needs

In relationships with parents, such people from childhood get used to blocking their needs because they know that they will not be satisfied in advance. In relationships, this behaviour manifests in indifference to the needs of the partner. Also, the partner's attempt to meet the detached person's needs will be treated with hostility.

7. Learned self-sufficiency

A person with a detached type of behavior will not ask for help, even when it is necessary. Such a person is taught from childhood to make an effort to achieve something and make his or her own decisions. Any attempt to break your comfort and self-sufficiency zone will be misunderstood.

What Are The Traits Of The Avoidant Attachment Style?

The habits and behavior patterns laid down in childhood are necessarily reflected in a person in adulthood. Some striking traits that indicate this style of attachment are:

1. Fear and unwillingness to be closer

A person with the avoidant attachment style will not strive to give all their free time to relationships. Such people do not like tenderness and affection, they quickly get bored of frequent communication, and they constantly want to run away somewhere and limit contacts.

2. Distrust of people

Because of a learned distrust of parents, such a person will not rely on others. He/she uses only his/her strength and will not rely on someone's shoulder. Other people's advice and intentions to help are unlikely to be perceived positively.

3. Excessive self-confidence

Clear confidence in their actions and rightness - this can be said about people with a detached type of attachment. Maybe subconsciously, they agree that they are wrong, but they will not be able to overpower themselves and admit it. They are more likely to do wrong than rely on their partner's opinion.how to be in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style

4. Loneliness tendency

Despite the long separation from their partner, such a person will still draw his/her boundaries and allocate time for relaxation alone. Frequent closeness will be tiring and possibly annoying, leading to the desire to find a reason to be alone or to end the relationship altogether.

5. Self-focus

Focusing on oneself and one's own needs make such a person selfish in the eyes of their partner. Such a person will not think about satisfying the needs of the soul mate, will not meet, and step over their ego. The main priority in the life of a person with an avoidant attachment style will be their own life and interests.

6. Indifference and disinterest

Such people often seem uninterested. They do not particularly concentrate on other people's statements and thoughts; they do not know how to listen and hear, because they did not receive this in childhood. Such people will not see everything through the prism of their emotions and show strong empathy.

7. Keeping the distance

In relationships, they are used to keeping their distance. They do not particularly like to share their experiences and emotions constantly. Being in a relationship at a distance is very convenient for them, which often upsets their partners and makes them doubt their worth.

Relationships with an Avoidant Attachment Style Person

How to be in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style person? The most important thing to maintain in an avoidant attachment style in relationships is self-confidence. Don't let your partner make you doubt yourself. Try not to take everything personally, because most people with an avoidant type are not used to close relationships and Mr. Right behaviour in them. Give your partner as much free space as she needs. You cannot remake such a person, but you can learn to interact. Try yourself as a parent. You can give her people what she lacked being a kid. Show what a healthy and trusting relationship can feel like. Try to prove that you can be trusted and not indifferent to others' problems and needs. But it does not mean that you have to take full responsibility for the relationship.

Don't step over yourself and your dreams to be comfortable in the relationship. A detached type will always find a reason to keep you at a distance from her if needed. Know your worth and how to get out of situations in which you feel inferior. Don't forget that avoidance is a childhood pattern of behaviour. Changing a person's attitude is possible but very difficult. You will have to assume some of the roles of a good father or mother for your partner. Do not ignore the opportunity to connect specialists to your relationship problem; go to joint therapies and sessions.

As Sigmund Freud said, all problems go from childhood. Childhood has a very big impact on the person as a whole. It is in childhood that the foundation of values and behaviours is laid. The child adopts the habits of his/her parents and learns to interact with them, which in the future will form the basis of the personality. By analyzing our childhood background, actions, and thoughts, we can change ourselves and those around us for the better. Complete humility and inaction lead to degradation and decline, which is why it is important to strive for the best.

Comments (2)

My ex-boyfriend was 100% avoidant in relationships. I tried many techniques and tips, I even consulted a psychologist. I simply could not deal with that coldness and avoidance, he didn’t pay me compliments, even when we were alone he didn’t display his emotions. I’m too emotional, so we split up after a year of relationships. It was hard =(
04.11.2020 11:48
IDK if such a behavior can be changed… people rarely change their style of attachment. I think only true love and respect and hard work on your relationship can help, but it won’t be a complete victory. anyway, old traumas stay with us for decades, or even forever…
04.11.2020 11:49

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