Signs of Gaslighting in the Text: When to Stop Talking

How to respond to gaslighting? Gaslighting is manipulative behavior designed to make a person question their perception of reality. Some experts consider it a form of emotional abuse.

Early signs of gaslighting

• In the depreciation of feelings. For example, if you are upset by your partner’s behavior, and he tells you in response: “Yes, there’s nothing to worry about” or “I was just joking.” In any conflict, the gaslighter blames his victim for being overly sensitive and emotionally unstable.

• By twisting the facts to your advantage. The person may deny that he told you or promised you something. If you remember it exactly, to say that you didn’t remember everything correctly, misunderstood it, or even completely invented it.

• To blame others for your mistakes. The gaslighter can convince the victim that it is because of her that he is behaving incorrectly. For example, she upsets him or makes him angry.

• Inventing fictional shortcomings for another person - and regularly reminding them of them. For example, a gaslighter may constantly talk about how you absolutely do not know how to make money and, therefore, should not participate in financial matters even though you earn more than he does. These are pretty warning signs of gaslighting.

• In spreading rumors and undermining relationships with other people. For example, talking behind your back to others that you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And you - that the people around you supposedly treat you badly. Although, in reality, both are the gaslighter's own inventions.

Psychologists note that in some cases, such behavior may be unconscious. Despite this, it causes tangible harm to the victims.

By instilling false attitudes and beliefs in them, the gaslighter makes them doubt their memories, feelings, thoughts, judgments, and their ability to adequately perceive reality and make decisions.

Gaslighting the signs and how to combat

The term gaslighting is named after the 1938 play of the same name. It realistically described this type of psychological abuse. In the story, a married couple moves into the house of a deceased aunt. One day, the husband accidentally learns that priceless jewelry is hidden somewhere in the house and begins to look for them. And so that his unloved wife does not interfere with him, he begins to convince her that she is insane. For example, when a wife notices that in the evenings, the gas lamps in the house begin to flicker, the husband convinces her that this is only her imagination. As a result, the woman really begins to doubt her mental health.

But until the early 2000s, the term "gaslighting" was rarely used. It was popularized by psychoanalyst and director of the Yale Center for the Study of Emotional Intelligence Robin Stern. In 2007, she published the book Hidden Manipulations, in which she analyzed in detail the mechanism of gaslighting and how it affects people who have undergone it.

Stern argues that almost every person at some point in their lives has experienced the signs and symptoms of gaslighting in one form or another. Most often in romantic relationships. But colleagues, close relatives, friends, and parents can also resort to this type of violence. And even, as it is believed, medical workers. For example, if a doctor openly downplays the significance of the patient's symptoms, writes them off as excessive suspiciousness or emotional instability.

What are signs of gaslighting?

Victims of gaslighting often have the following thoughts and phrases:

• "I'm acting like crazy";

• “I just overreact to everything”;

• “It seems that something bad is happening to me, but I don’t understand what exactly”;

• “I completely stopped understanding what I feel”;

• “It’s my fault that everything goes wrong with us”;

• “I always take everything wrong”;

• “I disappoint everyone around me because I’m too stupid and insecure.”

Why do people resort to gaslighting?

• Because of the lack of confidence in yourself and in your opinion, Robin Stern credits this as the main reason. Uncertainty is the main of all signs of gaslighting, and you need to understand what to do. Insecure people are often desperate for external confirmation of their innocence. This allows them to strengthen their sense of self-importance and reduce their internal anxiety. To do this, they use all the methods available to them to force others to accept their point of view, agree with their version of events, and subjugate them to themselves.

• Because of the desire for power and control, gaslighters seek to bind their victim to themselves and force them to behave in a way that suits them. Ignore their gaslighting miscalculations, hide their mistakes from others, and take on more responsibilities at home or at work. And don't complain to anyone.

• Due to mental disorders. What is a gaslighting example? Some experts believe that gaslighting and manipulative tendencies can be a symptom of personality disorder, narcissistic disorder, and psychopathy. In this case, gaslighters often behave differently with their victim and with others. Because of this, the victim often hesitates to ask for help: she thinks that other people simply will not believe her.

• Due to relationship difficulties. Suppose one partner is cheating physically or financially, for example, spending large sums on themselves and trying to hide it. In that case, they may resort to gaslighting to ward off the suspicions of the other partner. And so protect yourself from an unpleasant showdown and try to somehow save them.

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