Dating an asexual person

18.10.2018

Some people still find it hard to believe that not everyone wants sex. Their main task is aimed at finding a sexual partner in order to improve the quality of their sex life. Meanwhile, the number of asexuals around the world is growing. And even a special movement of people who are far from sex, but remain loving and warm personalities, has arisen. Now asexuality is considered the fourth sexual orientation. So, what does it mean to be asexual? Let’s figure it out!

What is an asexual person?

What does asexual mean? To answer this question, you need to know that this type of people has existed for thousands of years. The term itself was established in the 60s of the 20th century. Many people at the sight of this word immediately begin to think about abstinence, that is, the so-called celibacy. However, this is a mistake and now you will understand why. Asexuality is the complete absence of sexual desire in a person or its extremely weak presence.

Accordingly, asexuality shouldn’t be confused with intentional abstinence because asexuals don’t refuse sex for any specific purpose. They do this because they don’t want to have sex, that is, they have no sexual desire. However, this is not all that you need to figure out to fully understand who asexuals are.

Many people ask questions about how to become asexual. However, this kind of questions has no meaning and can often offend the feelings of other people. The fact is that many people still have a perception that people who fall in love with people of their own sex are abnormal. Similarly, they consider the absence of sexual desire as a deviation from the norm. But these views have long become obsolete and have been refuted because both homosexuality and bisexuality are absolutely normal orientations, no different from heterosexuality.

The same applies to asexuality. After all, the lack of sexual desire doesn’t depend on a person in this case – a person is born that way and this is not a congenital disease that should be treated as soon as possible. This is a normal condition that we just need to accept. And such questions such as “How do asexuals live?” are rude and tactless. So, you should refrain from such statements.

Types of asexuals

What is an asexual person? It is worth noting that there are types of asexuals, even if there are only two of them. There are no specific names for these types, but according to the description, it is easy to understand the difference between them. So, the first type of asexuals – these are people who don’t perceive sex in any form, don’t experience sexual attraction and never have sex in their life. But there is not only them. The second type includes those people who don’t have a particular sexual desire but allow themselves the possibility of entering into sexual intercourse, in most cases, with the aim of procreation. So, do asexual people have sex? Yes, but such people still don’t get any pleasure from sex and don’t really want to engage in it, but they can also have sex if they have a certain motive. The most common of them (procreation) has already been mentioned above.

Possible causes of asexuality

1. Psychological trauma. An unsuccessful parental example, dominant role of a mother in a family, the desire of parents to shame any of child’s sexual manifestations, terrifying stories of a mother about sex as something indecent, dangerous and even unpleasant, as the source of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, unsuccessful sexual experiences, physical and psychological abuse;

2. Obsessive thoughts can lead to a decline or lack of libido. For example, before having sex, a person begins to feel disgust for a partner, fear of contracting some kind of infection, fear of pregnancy, etc.;

3. Features of the human sexual life, hormonal disorders, and other dysfunctions. Being asexual, people can make their asexuality a life credo, although the true reason is not in philosophical convictions at all.

Asexual dating

Asexual relationships don’t have rules that dictate how to manifest non-sexual love. The possibilities of non-sexual intimacy are different. Some asexual people like physical intimacy – for example, hugs and strokes. Some asexuals express closeness through conversations, for example, sharing the most intimate thoughts, secrets, and fears with partners or making each other laugh.

Others achieve intimacy in their own, unique ways or combine all, some or none of the methods described above. Such a relationship format can remove the main problem of standard mixed relationships (because a partner can satisfy sexual needs somewhere else), but, of course, only if it is comfortable for both partners. But what to do if you met an asexual woman?

1. It’s not because of you

You meet a beautiful woman, you have a date, everything is fine, you go to her, and here she is: dear, I am an asexual, so don’t offer sex! So, the rule number one: don’t look for a reason in yourself. Asexuality is a fairly common phenomenon and it is not a mental disorder. Many scientists even consider asexuality to be the fourth type of sexuality along with hetero, homo, and bisexuality.

2. Understand and forgive

Asexuals can be divided into those who have never experienced sexual desire and those who have gotten rid of it through conscious suppression or prolonged voluntary abstinence. Asexuals shouldn’t be confused with people who adhere to celibacy (they simply take a vow of celibacy). In short, if you fall in love with a person, then just understand such a way of life.

3. Take it easy

Often, asexuals have sex with the purpose of procreation and don’t see anything wrong with that. But don’t flatter yourself because asexuals are born and die and it can’t be cured by meeting with the right person. You will have to come to terms with this and stop hinting to a woman that she needs to become “normal,” which is pretty offensive.

4. Don’t insist

They don’t become asexuals as a result of some kind of upheavals like rape or extremely unsuccessful sexual experience. This is a congenital feature. They are not at all against romantic touches, hugs, and kisses. The only thing they don’t need is sex.

5. Mark the boundaries

Dating an asexual, you will have to talk with a partner in order to understand the scope of what is permitted and clarify what kind of joint perspectives you have. If this life is not pretty for you without sex marathons and experiments, then, alas, you will have to say goodbye to asexuals. Or you can develop your own format of relationships where you will look for sexual satisfaction on the side. History knows such cases, we are serious!

6. Leave the right to happiness

Most often asexuals are completely self-sufficient, happy, and satisfied with their own lives. They don’t consider themselves to be flawed or deprived of something, don’t suffer from lack of sex, but, on the contrary, enjoy it very much.

7. Be ready for difficulties

If you decide to unite your life with an asexual, then be prepared for some difficulties, sometimes even developing into discrimination. It is customary for us to persistently and unceremoniously take an interest in personal life all around and ask tactless questions regarding relationships, children or the desire to give birth to them. People will never get used to the fact that what happens between two people is their own business and doesn’t concern us. So, be ready for this.

How to know if you’re asexual

What is characteristic of asexual? It’s time to look at the specific signs of asexuality, which will allow you to understand whether you are asexual or not. Also, it will help you distinguish between an asexual and impotent, antisexual, celibate person, and so on. You know, sexuality is like skin - an integral part of a person (part of even those who consider themselves asexuals). How to tell if someone is asexual? For example, this can be done noticing how people respond to you. Therefore, the feeling of sexuality often depends on the feedback from other people.

Sometimes people can either randomly or purposely give very harsh and rude feedback. Because of this, an asexual person begins to think that something is wrong with him or her. If you feel repulsive in the field of sexuality, it is worth analyzing the feedback from your partners or random people, to understand how you are evaluated. This method really works. But is there any special test for asexuality? Is it possible to “scan” a person and understand that an intimate relationship for him/her is an empty sound?

Answers to important questions will help understand whether you are asexual:

• Do you think sex is shameful, dirty business?
• Is it possible to live without physical intimacy?
• Can a man and a woman spend time only in a platonic relationship?
• Is it possible to live without sex at all?

If you give positive answers to all the questions, then, most likely, you are asexual. Is it wrong to be asexual? Don’t worry, relationships with an asexual category of people are possible, moreover, they allow you to look at a new type of romantic relationship, to feel a close connection in terms of emotional feelings. Asexuality is not a disease and it doesn’t require treatment. A joint discussion of further actions will help you figure out whether to continue further communication or not. If asexuality doesn’t cause problems to you, this is normal. Abnormal asexuals may be considered by people around or partners. In this case, it is important to work to ensure that there is more acceptance in a relationship.

Famous asexual people

There are accurate and detailed evidence of the asexual behavior of many famous people (by the way, not all of them rejected platonic love). However, with respect to many of them, it is possible to come across unsubstantiated statements that their behavior was allegedly the result of the suppression of certain sexual inclinations, subjected to religious and moral condemnation. And here is the list of famous asexuals:

• Hans Christian Andersen
• Aristotle
• Ludwig van Beethoven
• Jorge Luis Borges
• Nikolay Gogol
• Leonardo da Vinci
• Salvador Dali (doubtful)
• Democritus
• Henry Cavendish
• Immanuel Kant
• Franz Kafka (doubtful)
• Lewis Carroll
• Soren Kierkegaard
• Howard Lovecraft
• T. E. Lawrence
• Isaac Newton
• António de Oliveira Salazar
• Pythagoras
• Plato
• Benedict Spinoza
• Nikola Tesla
• Frederic Chopin (according to his early love to George Sand)
• Bernard Show

As you can see, even famous people were asexual.

To work with your own manifestations of sexuality, you need a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, and also enjoyable and safe sex, free from coercion, discrimination, and violence.