How to deal with betrayal in a relationship?

25.05.2023

How to deal with betrayal in a relationship? The pain that you experience when you find out about the betrayal says that you are a person and that you are a normal person. Pain is a signal: "this is wrong" and "it should not be like this." It hurts not because you are weak, unable to cope, or lacking the pride to leave but because you are a living person because this relationship was dear to you.

In hindsight, you can almost always recall all sorts of signs of trouble: complaints, dissatisfied looks, sighs about weight and age, statements that “we live somehow insipidly,” or others that “I want a bright life.” But does this relieve your partner or partner of the responsibility for direct and clear expression of their feelings? Apart from complaints, were alternatives offered? Being betrayed by someone you love, is that normal?

Quite often, we underestimate the cumulative effect of quarrels. They may seem petty, and if reconciliation comes after them, it’s hard to understand why saying “take out the trash” 199 times was a reason for conflict, but then reconciliation, but the 200s led to flirting with “such an economic neighbor, who, probably, nothing needs to be mentioned"? And yet none of us can read other people's minds. Moreover, such a “pattern of communication,” where one is offended, but at the same time, he waves his hand and is silent for a long time, and the other does not even realize that they are “hoarding” annoyance at him (or guesses, but does not know about the scale), - such a “pattern” of a couple, put together, so the responsibility for this can be safely divided into two.

Relationships are always built by both parties. How they reached a dead end (if it is a dead end) and why and what your role is in this can be analyzed.

How to get over a betrayal in a relationship?

• Accept your feelings. Please don't beat yourself up for not being able to magically leave it all in the past and move on as if nothing had happened. Perhaps your husband's infidelity has been the biggest shock of your life so far, and it poses a serious threat to your well-being, so don't be surprised if the pain keeps coming back and the same thoughts are spinning in your head. And you still can't understand how this monstrous betrayal could even happen.

• Technique 1: Name your feelings out loud instead of letting them rage endlessly somewhere inside - this really helps with overcoming betrayal. Tell yourself, "I feel angry, I'm worried, I'm confused," or something else. You don't have to do anything about these feelings - just acknowledge them. You can also keep a diary of feelings, where you will record the time, feeling, and the reason that caused it at the moment (some event or thought). Run it for a few days or weeks, and you will find certain patterns. Believe me: if you notice your feelings, observe them, and do not suppress them, they will gradually weaken and become more manageable over time.

• Work on your thoughts. How to deal with betrayal in love? Many feelings arise as a result of our thoughts. We tend to believe everything that our inner voice broadcasts is the ultimate truth. However, he often exaggerates or combines unrelated events from different life situations to provide us with irrefutable evidence that life is over.

• Technique 2: Do not let harmful thoughts poison your life, but to do this, write them down. Write as if your inner voice is dictating to you. And when you write everything, word by word, you will see that there is nothing particularly frightening there. This will help you recover from betrayal. Go back to the beginning of the text and look for exaggerations. For example, you wrote: "I'm so tired of thinking about cheating every day." Reread the text again and pay attention to “always,” “never,” “should,” “should,” and other words from the category of black-and-white vocabulary.

• Think about what your memories want to tell you. What to do when you feel betrayed? You remember your husband's betrayal for a reason. Not because you are a bad person and are not able to forgive your partner or do not want to save the marriage. Most likely, your feelings are trying to tell you that some issues remain unresolved and that your relationship needs to be given more attention. For example, your sex life has become too insipid, your husband is constantly in conflict with your daughter, and you are forced to be torn between them, as if between two fires. If you continue to ignore these warning signals, your unconscious mind will send them over and over again.

• Technique 3: Go back to the diary entries that your inner voice dictated to you. Once you've filtered out the exaggerations, you're left with a few fairly straightforward tasks. For example, balancing work and home life; go out somewhere together because you have not done this even once in the last couple of months. Since you have already guessed what the memories are telling you, it would be quite logical to take practical steps to solve these problems. For example, turn off your phone after 9 p.m. or book a table at your favorite restaurant.

• Stop expecting the impossible from your partner. If a person works as a secretary in the reception, you are unlikely to expect that he will balance correctly or conduct excellent business negotiations. But some expect from their partner some special spiritual subtlety, the ability to be aware of their own and other people's feelings, which in no way corresponds to their upbringing and character traits. In particular, to the question "Why did you need this novel?" in many cases, the answers will be incomprehensible, simply because up to this point, no one has asked a person about motivation. You may be counting on your partner to listen and sympathize with you even when you are angry, criticizing, or shaming him, while he (she) most of all needs now to work with a therapist who can reach through the shell to a person seeking support.

• Technique 4: We tend to see our partners the way we like to see them, not the way they really are. And yet, for some reason, we are sure they think exactly the same as we do. Although girls are usually raised differently than boys, the appearance of children affects women and men differently. Try to accept in a partner not only his strengths but also his shortcomings if you want coping with betrayal. Be aware that there is something impossible for him beyond his strength.

• Get rid of perfectionism. The most destructive of all emotions is a shame. You will feel embarrassed for the recent tantrum or outburst of anger and even more ashamed of you for being cheated on and for the fact that you, apparently, are not good enough. Since the feeling of betrayal is unpleasant for us, we try desperately to avoid it.

1. Technique 5: We can't be perfect because we are human. And when we make a mistake or fail to achieve the impossible, we are nonetheless ashamed of it. Accept this feeling in yourself and analyze the thoughts that arise about this.

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