How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

25.05.2023

How to stop trying to please everyone? Sometimes we think that our life will become better and easier if we do what other people want us to do and become what they want us to be. Trying to please, we put other people's desires in the first place and not our own dreams and impulses - and as a result, we acquire the so-called exemplary child syndrome, fall into the trap of constantly pleasing others, and often find ourselves in situations that are beneficial to anyone but ourselves.

Do not rush to blame yourself if you see in this scenario a reflection of your own behavior. Done trying to please everyone is natural for a person; it gives us the feeling of being accepted and makes us feel comfortable. As a child, you probably tried to live up to the ideas of your parents and teachers about you, grew up with this habit, and now strive above all to make your partner, friend, or boss happy.

Of course, at work, where you and your colleagues share common goals, it is essential to be able to listen to others and fulfill the requirements of your superiors. However, if you catch yourself putting someone else's well-being above your own, then this is a signal that it's time to change something. While you are preoccupied with the happiness of others, you put off your true desires for later - and this very quickly leads to deep disappointment in life and to a feeling of dissatisfaction.

Many people suffer from the people-pleasing meaning syndrome without noticing it themselves, and they realize it only when faced with its negative consequences. But all is not lost: you can break the vicious circle of pleasing others, but for this, you will have to consciously change the way you think and act. It's not easy, but anyone can do it. And let the feeling that your happiness is only in your hands give you determination.

How to overcome people pleasing?

• Refuse to compromise. The million-dollar question is where to start. First of all, we need to change the decision-making mechanism. When you are offered something or asked for something, do not rush to answer - assess the situation, try to understand whether the offer is right for you, and do not be afraid to refuse. It is known that the fear of saying no is sometimes so strong that it makes us agree to what we do not want. Make it a rule that you do not compromise. Otherwise, you will live with a constant hidden resentment towards yourself, others, and the world as a whole.

• Realize that you are not in control of other people's thoughts and emotions. How to stop pleasing others? You cannot get into another person's head and influence what he thinks and says about you. Yes, the mere thought that someone in the world genuinely dislikes you can be unsettling, but if you want to live happily, you have to accept this fact - so do it quickly. You still can’t stand as everyone’s favorite and satisfy all other people’s desires, so why not focus on your own?

How to stop people pleasing?

• By trying to please everyone, you will lose your identity. What is a people pleaser? It is impossible to please everyone and everyone: even if someone considers you a wonderful person, there will always be someone who will think differently. And you can't do anything about it: how many people, so many opinions. Of course, you need to try to live in harmony with everyone, but you should not stop being yourself at the same time. Psychologists say that you should always be honest with yourself: if you don’t like doing something, if you don’t agree with something, first of all, admit it to yourself. Those around you should not lead you. If a person struggles to please others, then he becomes a kind of victim because he completely and completely depends on the opinions of others. Parents, friends, and colleagues will always try to impose their opinion on you. Trying to please everyone and not disappoint anyone, you will lose your "I", your personality. Always ask yourself what you want, not others, and do as you see fit. Even if you make a mistake, it will be your fault, not someone else's.

• By pleasing others, you will depend on their opinion. People pleasers in relationships in order to please their partner more, but is it worth sacrificing personal interests for the sake of a ghostly opportunity to please someone? If a person tries to please everyone, then he will take to heart everything that they think of him. Criticism, even a minor remark from another person, can unsettle him. Remember that other people's opinions are just opinions and should not always be taken seriously. By trying to fit in with others, you will live their life, not yours.

• An attempt to please everyone is doomed to failure in advance since a person cannot control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of other people. Assessing oneself through the prism of public opinion, a person will turn into a hostage of others.

• People won't appreciate it. Even if you try your best to please others, others will still not appreciate it. Nobody really likes dating a people-pleaser. No matter how good you are, there will definitely be people who will criticize your appearance, actions, and views. You cannot be perfect in everything. Remember that no one knows you better than you know yourself.

• Love yourself as a person. How to not be a people pleaser? Become your best friend, and then you will no longer want to please others. Make yourself a priority. Psychologists say that a person needs to love himself as a person to stop depending on the opinions of others. To do this, you need to treat yourself with respect, praise yourself, stop criticizing yourself, and then you will no longer need praise from the outside. By building a harmonious relationship with yourself, you will stop filling holes in your self-esteem with other people's praise.

How to stop being a people pleaser?

Make it clear to yourself that you don't owe anything to anyone. You can, of course pleasing your partner, but it doesn't have to be on a permanent basis. You didn't come into this world to live up to anyone's expectations. Learn to refuse. It is important to be able to say “no” without feeling guilty about it. Realize that you are rejecting some task or offer and not the person himself, and then it will be easier for you to refuse. Don't let people take advantage of you: making them happy, entertaining them, and helping them is not your responsibility. Remember that your time is very limited. Spend it only on people who are important to you. Learn to speak clearly and confidently. Stop being afraid that your refusal will sound impolite or rude.

Set boundaries with the outside world. Remember that every time you try to please someone, you are giving them a part of your life. You will take care of yourself by setting boundaries that outsiders cannot cross. Turn on healthy selfishness and live your life!

What causes people-pleasing?

• With our goals, we must please other people.

• We cannot have power over our goals.

• With our goals, we always prove something to other people.

The logic of codependent goals is this: instead of taking care of ourselves to satisfy our needs, we care for the other person. At the same time, we neglect ourselves, expecting others to recognize our efforts and take care of us, that is, satisfy our needs. It can be said that this is a children's way of expressing themselves: you need to be a good obedient child so that mom buys ice cream. In recovering from codependency, our main goal is to act in a way that takes responsibility for ourselves.

What does it mean?

• We learn to accept our ability to take care of ourselves.

• We learn to be frank with people and to speak out loud about our feelings and needs when possible.

• We learn to separate from relationships in which we have tended to control the other person.

• We learn to rely on the facts of other people's behavior in relationships and not on our own expectations and fantasies.

• We learn to understand ourselves, our feelings, reactions, and needs.

• We learn to understand that recovery does not happen outside of relationships.

• Recovery happens when we learn to master our ability to take care of ourselves in relationships.

What is important for us to remember when setting our recovery goals?

• We should not try to control other people's lives with our goals.

• We are responsible for our goals.

• We are not responsible for other people's goals.

• Through our goals, we give direction to our own lives.

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