Neediness in a Relationship: Where Does It Come From and How to Retrain It?

31.08.2020

Do you think you are overly needy of your loved one? This, by the way, is normal, quite trendy. In recent years, couples have shown a clear increase in requests for each other. Neediness is a useful quality in itself, sometimes even very necessary. However, it is known that everything can be brought to the point of absurdity, including exactingness, and people start losing interest in relationships because of it. So, how to not be needy?

Why a needy person is a threat for relationships

The feeling of need always comes from thinking based on a deep sense of lack and inferiority, and a self-critical attitude. Self-critical people, as a rule, always seek appreciation and attention from others, and, therefore, this leads to the fact that they become “dependent”. But neediness is a very poisonous dependence. Because of it, you always attract and find single girls based on your inner sense of lack. There is a feeling that you lack something although you have everything.

The reality is that most people’s perception of the world is based precisely on this sense of lack. The thing is that we all need someone. The whole life of most of us revolves around a deep perception of ourselves as an inferior being who needs something from the outside to be happy. Our attention is often at least partially absorbed either by thoughts about the past, in which we received something less or by thoughts about the future, in which we want to get something else, for example, we think: “When I start a relationship, then I’ll be happy.”

But how not to be clingy and needy in a relationship? Well, the best relationship is achieved when you are confident in the feeling of “fullness” about yourself. When you feel complete in yourself, you will always attract a partner who reflects that sense of abundance on you. The paradox is that if you want to have a happy relationship, you first need to be happy and “complete”. This is the secret to bringing any kind of happiness into your life.

What does needy mean in the minds of women?

Well, what does needy mean for women? According to them, needy people are those who constantly demand your attention. They can exhaust you. They give nothing in return and shower you with reproaches and nagging.

Those in need refuse to make decisions or solve problems on their own. They require you to be with them for hours, holding their hand and comforting them. If you help them deal with one crisis, they will immediately have another. And you will sink in quicksand, sinking deeper and deeper every time you try to pull them out.

A needy person thirsts for attention and, at the same time, depends on this attention very much. It seems to such people that they really need it and, at the same time, they are very afraid of losing this attention. And when deprived, they experience a storm of not the most pleasant emotions: anger, irritation, aggression, anxiety, and jealousy – the list is endless. But it is very difficult to be with such people in relationships. That is why many women avoid needy men.

7 signs you are a needy partner

How to not be a needy boyfriend? Sometimes we all can be in high need of constant confirmation of our own worth from partners. But it is important not to overdo it. And in most cases, the following signs are characteristic of needy people:

1. You constantly need confirmation that everything is fine

One of the signs you are a needy person is the need for constant verbal confirmation that everything is good. You pay too much attention to whether a partner says about love to you and how often. The lack of regular touching will immediately cause anxiety in you. The formal expression of feelings takes on special meaning. All this suggests that you don’t feel good in this relationship.

2. You lose self-esteem

When you’re a couple, it’s okay that you want to spend as much time with your soulmate as possible. But everything should be in moderation. If you are together 24/7 and you don’t have any hobbies of your own, you may start losing yourself. It is not normal. You need to reconsider your life.

3. You text your soulmate too often

Couples who chat all day are cute, right? Yes, texting your woman is a nice way to let her know what you think of her. But if your conversation is based on your initiative only or you send 10 messages in a row, and she doesn’t reply to you, then you do something wrong. How not to be needy? It is probably worth slowing down a little.

4. You monitor her social media

It becomes unhealthy when you worry a lot about what your woman is doing when you are not together. Instead of building deeper trust, you spend your whole day on monitoring her social media activities – likes, followings, and comments. This is too much! So, how to stop being needy? Don’t forget that she is not your property and has every right to protect personal boundaries.

5. You rush things

Neediness is often a sign of low self-esteem. In such cases, you are afraid to lose your partner and this can lead to the fact that you rush things for one single reason – to “tie” her to yourself and make sure that she doesn’t go anywhere. Such hasty behavior and forcing events can be frightening, and in addition, such important decisions should be made after thinking everything over and getting to know the person better. So, how to stop being emotionally needy? Just take your time.

6. You need words of support

“I can’t do this,” you say.

“Never think so,” she says to you. – “You can do your best!”

Your girlfriend is happy to support you and compliment you, but her warm words and assurances of love will be of little use if you don’t believe in what she says. This need for constant words of support and reassurance of love can emotionally drain your woman’s feelings and hurt your relationship.

7. You just can’t feel happy without your girlfriend

You experience strong positive feelings only if your woman is nearby, and she shows her love, affection, warmth, and care to you. A characteristic feature of codependent relationships is complete dissolution in each other. If one of the partners is trying to win back their personal space, this is regarded as an insult and a clear sign of dislike. It shouldn’t be like that.

How to stop being needy in a relationship

When your happiness is limited to one person, you will find yourself needy and emotionally dependent. This is not your fault. But this is a vital challenge for your future. It takes tremendous courage to overcome such a state. It takes practice and won’t always come easy. But it is possible.

1. Stay alone for some time

We have an innate need for communication. This is normal. The essence of staying alone is not to isolate yourself from the world, to imagine that you can be completely independent, and officially declare your independence to the rest of humanity. Loving yourself is incredibly difficult. But it’s worth it. So, how to stop being needy in a relationship? It is important to learn to take care of yourself, to understand that your needs are very important, and they will not disappear if you neglect them or ignore them.

2. Recognize your emotions

Recognizing your vulnerability is a way to connect with your inner child. The best way to express this part of yourself is to speak like a child, for example: “I am now very sad/hurt/scared/lonely”. Once you feel that you have sincerely expressed your feelings, you will feel better. And this is what you want to achieve, right?

3. Allow yourself to be imperfect

To become a truly self-sufficient person, it is imperative to learn how to abstract from the daily hustle and bustle and be able to love yourself. To do this, you need to learn to treat failures as necessary experiences that you happened to get. Stop being so needy and allow yourself to be imperfect. A tolerant attitude towards your personality will soon reveal many opportunities.

4. Start dedicating time to yourself

You need to start focusing on yourself. Start spending more time on your thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs. Do something for yourself (at least a little bit). You can’t make another person happy without making yourself happy. No matter how important your relationship seems to you, you yourself are the most important person in your life.

5. Understand your past better

It often happens that neediness is based on some kind of trauma in the past. Feelings such as neglect, aggression, abuse, and the like may have been experienced. Searching for reasons in the past is a rather painful way, but sometimes it is the only way to move forward in life. To analyze such situations, it is best to contact a specialist.

6. Don’t overestimate what your partner says

Men and women are from different planets. And sometimes people don’t say what they really mean. Just because your partners don’t say I love you a hundred times a day doesn’t mean you’re not in a relationship. Stop focusing on certain words. It’s better to ask your partner about things that worry you.

7. Stop talking endlessly about partner and relationship

How to not be needy in a relationship? When we are happy, we want to share our joys and sorrows with the closest people. No matter how much you would like to tell them about what is happening in your personal life, it is better to refrain from it because once said words can no longer be taken back. And telling friends and relatives something bad about your partner, you involve them in your relationship.

8. Don’t ignore communication with other people

How to stop being needy guy? All kinds of relations are important for our growth and development – family, social, and love. Healthy love relationships always allow partners to devote time, attention, and care not only to each other but also to friends and relatives. If all you think about is your partner, then it will make you feel needy.

9. Learn to overcome your jealousy

This emotion can cause serious problems in your relationships. If you don’t trust a partner, jealousy can ruin all that you have quite fast. This is a really destructive feature. Jealousy is often equal to fear. You may be afraid that your partner will break up with you and find someone better, so you don’t allow your girlfriend to spend time without you. But this only makes the situation worse. So, try to overcome this emotion.

10. Give your partner a sense of need

When your eyes burn from the fact that she is just with you, from the understanding that you can cuddle up to her and watch a movie on her shoulder, when you are sincerely glad that you have her, then she feels that you need her. Give your woman a sense of need, tell her about it, and she will want to do the same.

The truth is that you have to change. Neediness is not a fixed personality trait. This is a common habit that you have had for years due to different factors. You have to stop being needy and become a confident person.