Your basic relationship needs, how do you define them?

20.03.2023

What are needs in a relationship? We are used to reading and watching movies where relationships involve self-sacrifice, altruism, and mutual understanding. In reality, we are faced with something else and suspect our partners of selfishness.

Why is that? Because there are always two people in a relationship. And for sure, to understand what another person needs, we can only by ourselves. In any relationship, even as close as possible to the ideal, we go to satisfy our basic needs in a relationship. When in a relationship, the needs are met at least two-thirds of a relationship. If not, a crisis ensues.

There are emotional needs in a relationship. But no one will know about your needs until you learn how to voice them correctly.

Basic human needs in a relationship

• The need for security. Ask yourself what do I need in a relationship. The basic human need for security is primary. It determines the possibility of existing in this world, interacting with it, doing something, and feeling something. If we are talking about relationships, it means feeling physically and mentally well. To be sure that any manifestation of oneself will not be punished. Only in secure relationships can we afford to be vulnerable in a good way. Remember your childhood. Each of us had such a story when we decided for a long time to somehow prove ourselves. But in response, they received either criticism, ridicule, or devaluation. Remember the effort you put in just to be brave? Remember that feeling you got when you didn't get support? This was the dissatisfaction with the basic need for security in the relationship. To satisfy this need in oneself means to find such a person next to whom it is not scary and not ashamed to be yourself. And it also means allowing yourself to open up next to such a person. And to see him and not all previous offenders. To satisfy this need in others means to become such a person for someone.

• The need to recognize one's own worth. What I need in a relationship? A vivid manifestation of the fact that this need was not satisfied is the feeling and voicing of the phrase "I am not worthy." From early childhood to the present day, each of us wants to feel that we are valued. I want to feel taken care of. When we receive it, normally we feel satisfied. If this need has not been satisfied for a long time, in response to care, we feel either guilt or distrust. Recognizing value involves more than just caring for the other person. This means accepting it with all the set of shortcomings, features, and differences. The perception of this "set" as a value in the relationship. It is felt as an inner desire to understand another person, his motives and feelings, and his actions. And the most important thing is to recognize it as important for yourself personally. This is not easy, but very important. Satisfaction of my needs in a relationship is also possible through a sincere interest in the inner world of another person, his life, his interests, and principles. You can learn about them during a regular conversation if it goes beyond the scope of on-duty communication after work. If there is no such interest, it is always felt. If you remember your relationships with different people, then there were probably on-duty phrases like "How are you?" or "What's new?". There is really little pleasure in such communication. Sooner or later, it will feel like mental or even physical pain.

• The need for acceptance. And not just acceptance, but acceptance and protection from a stable, reliable, and strong parental figure. In this case, we are not talking about the parent figure as a real parent. This refers to the ability of another person to take care of us and remain stable when we are unstable. This is what in marital psychology is called reliability, and these are the basic needs in a relationship. Everyone sometimes wants to be a child cared for by a good parent. It's okay to be that person for someone. It is on this need that primary love is built. When our Inner Child (a vulnerable emotional part of the personality) sees the ideal parent in another. At first, each of us tries to live up to this expectation. And then he wants the same for himself. And that's completely normal. What do we and others need to feel protected by such strong and reliable parent figures? First of all, of course, needs a relationship list and a guarantee that a person will not leave you after some manifestations of personality that he may not like. Next, we all want to feel protected from criticism. From one's own internal and from someone else's. Each of us vitally needs a person who can protect us from ourselves in our worst manifestations. This is the need for the acceptance and protection of a stable and reliable parent.

• The need to share the experience. What are your needs in a relationship? It's about the importance of being around someone who has the same experience as us. Someone who understands what we feel and think can do in a particular situation. A person who can share our point of view, joy, or sadness. Someone who, in a difficult situation, is able to say: "Yes, I understand how it is. I lived like that." Sometimes you want to hear it, and sometimes just a glance is enough to understand that this community exists. There is a division of our experience. To satisfy this need in your own country, you can look for like-minded people, contact communities of people who have experienced similar experiences, share your experience with loved ones and ask them to talk about similar experiences with them. Remember how nice it is when you carry some great spiritual burden and finally decide to tell someone about it, confident that you alone dragged it, and no one will ever be able to understand you. And then you share and find out that your interlocutor had almost the same experience and the same feelings. This is a huge relief, it is felt even physically! Alcoholics Anonymous clubs work on this principle, a group for parents who have lost children, or for people suffering from eating disorders. You don't have to be an expert to satisfy the need for generality. It is enough just to be near one another and share similar experiences. This works both ways. And it's not difficult at all. But how important it is for each of us to things a relationship needs.

• The need for self-determination. Self-determination is the awareness of one's psychological and physical boundaries, values, principles, features, and differences, and also, this is the core need in a relationship. There is a difference with the previous need, where it is important to feel a sense of community with another person. The need for self-determination is the ability to feel like a unique person and know that this is normal and will be accepted by others. Most of all, this need is manifested in adolescents when they try by any means to be different from others. Sometimes it causes rejection. But if you treat this with understanding, you can experience a completely new experience for yourself, immersion in the world of another person. It is normal to be different from others, no matter what this difference consists of - appearance, habits, character, interests, values, language, and skin color. The uniqueness of each is the greatest value. Differences are what make us the individuals that interest others. It would be unbearable to live in a world of "clones" because everything is already familiar and experienced. Nothing would be of interest. In relationships, this need is satisfied when we can change and emphasize our individuality. 

• The need to influence others. How to figure out what you want in a relationship? It is important for each of us to see that our state, words, and actions affect another person. It is important to feel that another person's behavior, feelings, and thoughts affect us too. The satisfaction of this need allows you to grow in a relationship. But there is a downside - the impact can be not only positive. If one of the participants in the relationship is destructive, it will negatively affect the other. Inevitably. Because each of us also feels the need to succumb to the influence of another person. What happens if the person next to us is not amenable to our influence in the common sense of the word? In this case, we feel the relationship is binding. It becomes violence because we are unable to stop the behavior that is unacceptable to us. In relationships with other people, the need for positive influence is satisfied through a more accurate description of what changes in another person's behavior are important to us. In order to satisfy this need, the participants in the relationship must be sensitive enough to themselves and allow you to influence them. The need for the initiative from another person. What does a woman need in a relationship? One of the most important needs in a relationship is the need for initiative. Everyone wants the other to be the initiator of joint leisure, communication, and changes in life. But constantly taking the initiative, being the first, and provoking emotional reactions is extremely tiring. Sooner or later, a person loses interest in relationships if he does not see the initiative from the other. This need is related to all others. It allows you to feel both security and value, and sharing of experience and acceptance. If we turn to our experience of relationships, in each of the cases, we will see this need when you want your husband to bring flowers. Or the boss praised and raised the salary, and not go to him with requests. For the kids to help clean up without being reminded. Or a friend invited her to coffee herself. It is very natural to want to be led at some point and respond to initiatives from the other side. Satisfying this need in a relationship allows the person next to us to feel calm and relaxed.

How to find a relationship?

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