How to Stop Bickering in a Relationship and Why It Is Dangerous
27.04.2020
All couples argue whether those are small disagreements or big ones. Today we will talk about just that, bickering in relationships. We will find out how to stop bickering, what to do in the case of constant bickering in a relationship, signs of constant bickering in a relationship, find out the answer to the question, "Is bickering a sign of attraction?" and how should bickering couples fix their relationship so that they will be healthier in their future. Let’s first talk about the bickering meaning and main causes of bickering in a relationship.
Main Causes of Ongoing Bickering in a Relationship
What does bickering mean? First, you have to come to terms: even the most beloved person can annoy you at times. People are imperfect and will always be late, forget about promises and do another million annoying things. If you are scandalous for hours because of nonsense, and then you are horrified at how you could say such unpleasant things, it's time to sort out the conflicts and introduce new rules.
Why loving couples argue with each other
Why do couples bicker? The external reason for the quarrel is almost never the same as the actual reason. Spilled tea or spent stash does not make us suffer on its own. We transfer them to another emotional level, where we react not to the situation but to our thoughts about it.
So, a mess arranged by the second half can cause only fleeting chagrin. The fire of a future scandal kindles the idea that the partner does not care about you. However, you came to this idea yourself, and the person just did not put things in their places. They did not connect it with your happiness. In psychology, there is the concept of “trigger” - a situation that provokes negative emotions. Family psychologists say that all triggers that cause domestic conflicts can be divided into several categories.
But if you cannot accept this, and taking a break from a relationship is no longer an option, you should use the opportunities that online dating gives you and meet single females from the comfort of your home.
Past experience
In their present relationships, people bring past experiences and memories from their own families. Suppose you have watched your parents curse for many years when someone comes home late from work. Therefore, now, when you are delaying yourself, you feel guilty, and when your partner does it, you have the right to express to them how inconvenient you are.
Another example: your past partner kept emotions in themselves, and then exploded because of nonsense. Your new love does not accumulate bad things but immediately expresses their feelings, so it seems to you that a person is too often dissatisfied with you.
Lack of self-realization
The constant skirmishes of some people are driven by existential suffering, "Is it my person? Am I valued as a person? Can I become happier in other respects?" This happens when a person is dissatisfied with life and feels that they cannot realize their own potential.
The self-esteem of such people is very vulnerable, and many actions of the partner are perceived by them as disrespectful. They tell you the way they think you are not able to figure it out on your own. You didn't wash the dishes - they believe that you had no more important things to do, that your life comes down to home.
The struggle for control and freedom
Some people want to know every second where their partner is, what they do, what they think about. Any attempt to maintain privacy looks almost treason to them. The struggle for control gives rise to conflicts over unanswered calls, delays, extra cash, and independent decisions. It is especially difficult if the second person is freedom-loving and independent. People rarely even admit to themselves that they want to control a partner. Usually, this takes the form of resentment: a person does not do what I want, which means they do not love me enough.
Denying partner emotions
Surprisingly, even close people often live in the same situations in different ways. If you are right at least a hundred times, it will be difficult for a partner to agree if they take everything differently.
Example: you leave your sick partner to rest and go away to do business. And when you return, you face resentment and misunderstanding, "How could you leave me alone?" You will insist that you've shown concern, and there’s nothing to be offended about, and your partner will say that there is no concern, and you just left.
Negative Escalation Cycle
The essence of this mistake is that the quarrel develops in a vicious circle: during a dispute, people specifically cause emotions in the partner that they do not want to see. They know what their action will lead to, and they don’t like these consequences, but they still do it to come to them. But in the end, they blame the other half.
Example: you know that your partner is impatient and cannot stand lectures. But you speak and speak until they start shouting. And then you declare that the partner constantly raises their voice, and it is impossible to talk to them.
What Does It Warn You About?
Conflicts and quarrels in relations arise in all couples. And the ideal couples from books, films, and stories in social networks also cannot do without them. That's just often they are perceived exclusively in a negative way. Psychotherapist Jessica Bauman assures that scandals and quarrels in relationships are not always about the end of your love, but rather, very often about the beginning of your intimacy.
“First of all, the conflict has the unique ability to demonstrate to partners that they are not indifferent to each other! In this, albeit not a very pleasant way, a man and woman talk about their feelings, fears, anxieties, their position, and personal boundaries,” Jessica says. At the same time, the psychologist explains that openness, even such one, speaks much more about love and intimacy than patience and lack of agreement, disappointment, and discontent.
In addition, Jessica explains that the presence of quarrels and emotions is an indicator that it is important for partners to understand each other, and it is a plus, but it is also a clear sign that they do not know how to speak the "same language." “If lovers can create or find a common language for two, then the relationship will reach a radically new level. Much higher than before,” the psychologist notes.
Scandals and quarrels in relationships often arise due to the fact that partners come from different families with different values. And a child from childhood, like a sponge, absorbs the scenario of a relationship between mom and dad. Then in the future, they transfer this to their family. “So everyone has their own perception and method of resolving the conflict. The task of the two halves is to create their ideal model of family relationships that will be suitable only for them. This includes a way out of conflict situations because everything is not cloudless and smooth,” Jessica explained.
In this case, it is not necessary that the scandal should take place with screams, humiliations, and breaking of dishes. It can be just a conversation on elevated tones to show your point of view, explaining your partner your feelings. In this case, difficulties arise due to the inability to do this, using the "language" of your partner. Do not be afraid of your feelings! Even if the conversation sometimes turns into a scandal, you have a much better chance of becoming closer and dearer to each other! It is better to "let off steam" from time to time than, hiding your anger, irritation, and indignation, silently swallow an insult, which, incidentally, is accumulating.
How to Stop Bickering in a Relationship
Conflicts occur in any relationship, but sometimes a quarrel leads to a situation where the pain comes to replace love. It all depends on our reaction to the situation and further actions. It takes time to learn to behave openly, to understand and accept yourself and your partner, but this is the only way to strengthen the bond between you.
Identify the most common causes of quarrels
It can be either small issues like an untidy look, or more significant problems, for example, jealousy, infidelity, partner attitude. It should be understood that most often, the real reason for the quarrel does not lie on the surface and may consist of resentment and disappointment. External causes for quarrels are often just an excuse to give vent to discontent.
Identify your involvement in the problem
It may seem that your partner is to blame for everything, but you should always consider your possible contribution to the quarrels. In some cases, the ability to admit your mistakes significantly reduces the degree of stress. Learn to admit mistakes. Also, accept the fact that you can hold different views on one issue. Often people simply do not want to see the situation through the eyes of a partner.
Find acceptable solutions
A person does not always know which solution to the problem is most desired. Consider the best outcome and ask yourself what other possible decisions you could make. Put a quarrel in the wider context of your needs and relationships in general. If necessary, write down the thoughts you would like to tell your partner.
Determine the specific purpose of the conversation with your partner
Both partners must clearly understand the ultimate goal. You can record your goal and then record the compromises you have made. For example, you might want to resolve your disagreement about how much time you should spend together on the weekend. Schedule appointments and time for personal matters.
Engage in open body language
Communication that is not verbal plays an important role. Turn your body towards the partner so that they feel your attention. Do not cross your arms, do not stomp, and do not roll your eyes. Touch the partner. Contact will help you not forget about your feelings in spite of any disagreements. Sometimes it’s even useful to stop talking for a couple of minutes and just hug each other.
Try to catch the emotional background of the partner’s words
Everyone has their own emotional needs. Perhaps your partner's needs are not met. They may not speak directly about them or even be aware of them. Think about how you can meet these needs in your union. Needs that are emotional in nature include security, love, fun, friendship, intimacy, control of the situation, participation, self-esteem, status, a sense of success, meaning, and goals.
Lock the agreement
Make sure that both partners understand their further actions, and also discuss ways to politely remind each other of the agreement reached and the consequences in case of failure to fulfill their obligations. Define a date for re-evaluating the situation in your relationship.
Understand that you are not able to control other people. Some quarrels continue despite all your attempts to solve the problem. If a partner says offensive things, misinterprets your words, behaves arrogantly, and condemns you, then their pride is hurt, and they are trying to protect themselves. It may seem that the right words or actions will help educate a partner, but now they are unable to perceive your words or actions properly.
How to Avoid Bickering in the Future
How can you stop bickering in the future? What should you do to make your relationships calmer? Here is some bickering couples advice to make your relationships stronger.
Talk about everything directly
To avoid quarrels and misunderstandings in relationships, it is important to learn to talk directly about everything, expressing your thoughts to your partner, and not scroll through them in your head. No one will understand (and should not do this) what is in your head until you talk about it. Tell everything; otherwise, everything will accumulate in your head, and then at one fine moment, you will give out everything - then quarrels cannot be precisely avoided.
Be consistent in your actions
All parents are told that their actions and words must converge. Otherwise, the child will cease to take them seriously at all. Try to speak and act in concert, or your partner will not understand you or will perceive everything as a joke, something not serious and just said on emotions.
Listen more than say
In the heat of a quarrel and raging emotions, you want to say something embarrassing, or simply unpleasant. Yes, having said that, you will satisfy your desire to stab your opponent, but the winner is always the one who first listens and then speaks. This is a crucial and valuable quality for family life, and they need to be consciously trained.
Do not tack the old
If you adhere to the first point, then you will not get to that. But in any case, try to leave the old showdown in the past and not return to it now. Otherwise, problems from the past will be layered on the unresolved issues of today, and the quarrel can be not only strong but also quite long.
Admit your mistakes if you are wrong
If in any situation, you take the position that only someone else is to blame, then you will not learn how to conduct a productive dialogue and only exacerbate the situation. Learning to acknowledge your mistakes is important to you first if you want to grow as a person. If you understand that this conflict is also your fault, admit it, and you will see how the situation will radically change.
At some points, you should try to avoid a quarrel at all costs: under the influence of alcohol, while driving, before leaving the house together, in the presence of other people (especially children), during fatigue, stress, hunger or illness, on holidays and important days. Almost anything can be postponed, including disagreements.
