Main Reasons for Couple Arguing and Is It OK for a Relationship?
26.03.2020
Today we will talk about conflicts in relationships. A couple arguing over the smallest of issues is quite a normal thing in modern society. But why do couples argue? Well, there are thousands of reasons to argue in a relationship. Reasons couples fight differ a lot, from financial issues to cheating.
So, what are we going to discuss today? What do couples fight about? The most common things couples argue about.
Arguing in a Relationship: When Does It Start?
When does arguing in a relationship start? Well, there is no certain point where all of the issues in all relationships begin. Life is so diverse, and there is no way to predict how relationships in a couple will play out.
So, there is no way to try to define the moment that will cause cracks in relationships. But there’s at least period in relationships that can be quite troubling.
This moment is the end of the beginning, it is when the love and passion in a relationship die out. We are mainly talking about the euphoria that partners feel for each other after falling in love. You were crazy about your partner, they seemed perfect, but then this façade ended up crumbling to pieces.
If this is the case in your relationships, then there is no reason to try to fight for a relationship. Move on, check out all the single women photos that are present on thousands of various dating sites on the Internet. There are dating sites for all sorts of tastes, preferences, and desires. So don’t be afraid to meet single women online and find new, more successful relationships.
Is Arguing Always Bad?
Most people think that these people do not like each other, and their relationship is doomed to failure.
What is behind a conflict?
Slamming a door, throwing plates, screaming, stomping, crying, phoning in the middle of the night is a sign of a healthy and good relationship. Experts say the hassle makes partners learn how to handle the pain, and that helps their relationship. It may seem strange and funny to you, but fighting means love.
Dr. John M. Gottman says that conflict has never been a symptom of a weak relationship. The fight between couples can be divided into three approaches, which can indicate whether the relationship will last or not. Here are three main types of couples that face conflicts:
- Couples who want to talk, find a compromise and solve their problems;
- Couples who want to be heard and expect their partner to agree with them;
- Couples who do not want to solve their problems.
- Conflict means that you care
Fighting means that you care about your partner, and you are actively working on a solution. Avoiding, on the other hand, means that you cannot cope with problems that may end in the breakdown of your relationship. The goal of a quarrel is to make your relationship stronger. When a couple finds out something, they demonstrate a willingness to solve their problems and find a solution that will support their relationship and love.
Conflicts make us healthy
Gautama Buddha once said that being angry is like drinking poison and hoping that another person will die. According to experts, the logic of Buddha can be supported scientifically. A recent study that interviewed more than 40.000 women from Massachusetts found that women who restrain anger in relationships with partners are 4 times more likely to die than those who regularly express their emotions. The effort to retain anger is very damaging to health. So, if you love your partner and take care of your health, you need to quarrel when such a need arises. In the end, it can save your relationship.
Conflict = honesty
During a quarrel, both partners can understand how each of them feels. An argument will help you be honest with your partner, and a flash of truth can only come from a good, productive discussion. Many couples lived and gave birth to children, not understanding what their partners feel.
Main Causes of Arguing in a Relationship
So, why do we argue with the people we love?
Everyday problems
What couples fight about? At first, living together may not worry the young spouses, but over time, it would seem that such inconspicuous things can begin to annoy, for example, often conflicts arise because the couple cannot determine who will clean, wash the dishes, or take out the trash. This also includes the question of the distribution of funds from the family budget. Domestic issues accompany the spouses every day and if they cannot agree, then they greatly complicate their lives.
Habits
At first, habits seem like sweet quirks, but in most cases, they begin to annoy over time. For example, the spouse leaves socks in the wrong places or the spouse speaks a lot on the phone. It seems a trifle, but every day they begin to escalate the situation. According to psychologists, if a spouse has 2-3 annoying habits, then we can already talk about a family crisis. Therefore, it is important to speak with your other half. If you don’t like something, you can safely say so and prevent further scandals.
Children
Here’s one of the notorious things people argue about. Parenting is one of the most pressing issues. Even in a close-knit family, serious disagreement may arise about this. Most are guided by the example of their parents, follow their manners of upbringing, or do everything exactly the opposite.
The financial situation in a family
Statistics say that money is often the main cause of family conflicts and scandals. Most often, the woman is dissatisfied with her husband’s earnings or the husband is dissatisfied with his woman’s spending.
Work
More often than not, the husband’s work does not satisfy the spouse. It takes all his time. A woman can understand everything and even be proud of her husband, but she does not have enough attention, she misses him, and then insults begin, and conflicts arise over trifles.
Jealousy
Jealousy, as a rule, arises in any family. This is a harmful feeling that does not allow a normal life. This question can be resolved only by mutual trust and candor.
As you can see, while there are some truly funny arguments between couples, there are those that are truly serious. Now that we know quite a few things couples fight over, let’s see the signs of toxic communication in relationships.
Signs of Toxic Arguing in a Relationship
Relationships, like milk, sometimes turn sour. Conflicts, tears, suspicions ... all this does not bode well. But how do you know that weaknesses outweigh the virtues? How to understand that it's time to break up these relationships?
You keep cursing about the same problem
A constant quarrel over a single problem is a much more serious sign of a crisis of relationships than we usually admit to ourselves. These are not innocent bickering. Such conflicts do serious damage to your hearts. Conflicts, in general, are not so bad if, over time, you learn to discuss the root of the problem, rather than get into the same argument again. But if the same topic leads to identical conflicts each time when you try to talk calmly, it means that you have not learned how to conduct a normal dialogue.
Maintaining dialogue is a key skill in a relationship. If it is absent, constant disputes lead to increased tension and resentment, which seriously harms the relationship. It’s the same as combing a barely healed wound, sooner or later a scar will remain. And scars are not what you want from a relationship, are you?
You no longer consider your partner equal to you
This symptom manifests itself in two variations: either you consider yourself better than your partner, or worse. Both versions are a signal that you have to run where your eyes look. Believing that you are “better” than your partner leads you to despise them. Google defines contempt as “treating someone in a way that is caused by recognizing someone as unworthy of respect, vile, morally low, insignificant.” It is unlikely that you want to be in a relationship with such a person or to be such a person, for that matter.
Believing that you are worse than your partner leads to a loss of self-confidence. It may also mean that you simply too much admire your partner. Nevertheless, this is, in any case, a bad sign since such a belief leads to the fact that you give the partner most of the power over the relationship. And when you lose control over relationships, there is a risk of dissolving into them.
Your partner is not able to put themselves in your place
Disputes are a sign of a healthy relationship. Disputes mean that you both feel comfortable enough to openly express your feelings and are not afraid to discuss your point of view. But disputes become harmful if your partner does not understand why you think the way you think. They should be able to see the situation through your eyes and only then disagree. This is a healthy process in which the interests of both parties are respected.
But disagreeing without understanding the other person’s position demonstrates that your partner does not understand you at all. And building a long-term relationship with a person who does not understand you is not the best strategy.
You threaten each other with divorce and a breakup
Both words are a very bad signal for a relationship, whether you are engaged or not. If you constantly threaten that you will throw your partner in jest to achieve your goal, or as a tactic of intimidation, this means that you do not value your relationship. If you value your relationship, you will never use it as a blackmail tool. Love is too valuable.
How to Properly Argue in a Relationship
Let’s find out how to properly argue in a relationship and how to make the best out of it.
You must be a team
You must be partners, not just people who share your living space. Even at the moment of irritation or anger, you must understand that you can offend each other even more. Therefore, screams and scandals must be forgotten. You solve problems calmly. Cool off, and then go and put up. If your partner is hysterical, here is a killer phrase that will calm them down. You simply say in a quiet, balanced voice, "Do not shout, please." If you are in charge of the house, they will obey.
Take responsibility
An excellent human trait is to admit guilt. And be able to find a compromise solution that would suit both of you. Even if your partner is to blame, propose an option that will resolve the conflict and reassure both of you. You understand what they need to change or how not to do it anymore. Tell them about this desire and allow them to change. If you are guilty, admit it, but do not make excuses. And then progress yourself and your relationship without repeating more mistakes. If you learn to take responsibility for conflicts, it will be much easier to find a compromise. Always consider the point of view of your partner and listen to them. They say all this for a reason. Maximize the time you spend on a fight. Spend less time arguing and more time on sex.
Forgive their flaws
Ideal people do not exist. When people are in a relationship, they often forget about it, demanding the maximum from a partner. Everyone wants the perfect partner. You knew from an early age that only the most impeccable person will be with you. But this illusion should not spoil your life. Everyone has problems. And, believe me, you also have them. And your partner puts up with them. Your partner is a living person, and they can be mistaken too. Be more patient, allow them to improve and become better for you. Point out the mistakes and ask them to fix them. And do the same in return. Remember that a quarrel is a stage that will change you if you want. You develop for each other, it is required for a relationship. And this is much better than leaving everything as it is.
There should be disagreements
This is the norm. You are not robots, and you will swear. Disagreement is a normal part of a relationship. Do not take it in such a way that you do not fit each other. Quarrels will be in any relationship where there are feelings. You need to resolve conflicts, everyone does it. Only those who do not care about each other do not quarrel. No emotions, no misunderstandings. And no love.
How Arguing Can Improve Your Relationship
Ideal relationships do not exist. Each couple builds its manner of communication, behavior and even conflicts. But to resolve their internal conflicts, it is important to learn how to "fight properly." It turns out that this allows you to improve your relationship and make them more solid and stable. So, is arguing too much in a relationship a bad thing? How much is too much? Why couples argue over small things, how can you learn from it?
You control your temperament
You must control your temperament when arguing with a partner. Fierce conflicts can lead to outbursts of rage and offensive words, as people tend to become overly emotional in anger. Control yourself so as not to explode. At such moments, stop right away and say that you need time to cool down.
Time out in a heated and intense discussion. Timeout is an effective behavioral tool for managing anger. For example, partners may enter into a “formal agreement” that details such a timeout and use it each time during an argument. Conflicts are resolved much more effectively when both people have cold heads. Besides, timeouts also allow partners to better see problems, it becomes easier for them to organize their thoughts and find rational ideas.
You take turns presenting your arguments
Good conflicts, like good relationships, are the ability to give and receive. Couples who "quarrel correctly" always know that they should allow each other to express their feelings and opinions, causing friction. Partners who respect each other don't interrupt each other when they speak out. You try to dominate and control the situation if you interrupt your partner during a quarrel, instead of trying to understand the other side of the situation.
You listen to each other
Good communication skills also require listening skills. In a successful relationship, when one person speaks, the other listens carefully to understand the concerns and worries of their partner. People with good listening skills are more discerning and open to the other side. By the way, active listening works not only in personal relationships but also in all other areas of life. This skill allows couples to recognize and accept each other's opinions and feelings, even if their opinions differ. Listening creates a positive atmosphere that eliminates the need for both people to take a defensive position. Moreover, couples can productively resolve their contradictions and disagreements.
You know when to use humor
Conflicts usually raise very serious issues, but a sense of humor can help relieve tension in an aggravated situation. However, jokes should be good, not self-derogatory or aimed at hurting the other side. Successful couples who respect each other's feelings use humor to calm themselves and reassure their partner. This is one way to tell your partner that even when they are upset and angry, you still love and value them.
You never show disrespect
Conflicts, which include criticism, sarcasm, insults, eye-rolling and other behaviors that show contempt, do not carry any constructiveness. Besides the fact that you can never “cancel” your hurtful words and gestures, dirty fighting methods can be destructive to relationships and have long-term consequences. They generate resentment and self-esteem. Partners who "quarrel over the rules" know that they are part of the same team. Then why try to hurt and humiliate each other, showing extreme disrespect?
You learn to apologize
Why are apologies so complicated for some people? The fact is that when a person asks for forgiveness, they understand the fact that they’ve hurt their partner. Successful couples are not afraid to say apologies to each other. Apologies also help couples take off their “protective armor” and become more understanding and loyal to each other.
According to the author Pamela Paul, our core values and beliefs may be created during a conflict. It will help you understand what needs to be done to fix and strengthen your relationship.
